Dear ‘Eater: Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my roommate. She’s great to talk to and has an amazing personality. We get along great when we go on trips and both have the same goals in life. But she’s always got somewhere to be. She’s involved in so many school activities, has a job and is taking a lot of courses this semester. So, she doesn’t always clean up after herself. She leaves food splatters in the microwave, dirty dishes in the sink for days, random socks all around the living room and more. What is a good way to confront this issue? I know she’s super busy, but I don’t want to live in a pigsty!

Dear Rushed Roommate: I’m very hopeful for your plight, and I think you should be too. It seems like you and your roommate are good friends who just haven’t yet established firm boundaries. A great way to go about this is to come together to have a serious, respectful conversation. I’d suggest trying to plan this conversation ahead of time by saying something like: “Hey, could we sit down and talk later? It’s nothing for you to stress over, but I have a few things I’d like to go over.” 

If she forgets, just give a gentle reminder (for example: “Can we still have that talk sometime today?”) Whenever she comes to you, I’d start off by talking about how much you like rooming together. List a couple unique reasons why this match works well for you to really show that this isn’t a scolding. Then, say that you’d like to set a few ground rules for your dorm or apartment. 

I’d start with just one thing to avoid piling on rules that are obviously targeted at your roommate, like keeping dishes out of the way. Try to come up with a way to solve this problem while also accommodating to her busy schedule. For example, she could use a box or tub to hold dirty dishes until she has time to clean them. Then, ask if she has anything she’d like to add to the list.

I’d go back and forth until you both have everything out in the open. If you have more rules than she does, I’d try to think of a few things you can do to be a better roommate so it’s not centered around her. 

Remember, you are not being a bad friend by setting up boundaries with your roommate. You deserve to be comfortable in your own home, and boundaries play a vital part in healthy relationships.

Best of luck,

Hawthorn
Edited by Abby Stetina, astetina@themaneater.com