This piece is entirely satirical and includes invented names and facts.
After months of lobbying by a coalition of MU Christian Campus Houses, MizzouRec announced a series of dress code changes known as the MizzouRec Modesty Reform Act. The most divisive part of the MMRA is the center’s ban on sideless tank tops. This particular reform has had serious repercussions, as the Columbia Dick’s Sporting Goods went bankrupt due to sudden loss of revenue. Closer to home are the intense protests erupting outside of MizzouRec. The scene is packed with young, inebriated white men, many of whom are topless. The MU Police Department is struggling to maintain control over the enraged hordes.
“Rage” truly is a good word to describe the situation.
Freshman Tommy Thomas said he had “never been this mad since [his] ex broke up with [him] for cheating on her.”
Other members of the mob were willing to explain their thought process.
“I am tired of the misconception that people like me go to the gym to improve ourselves, or even to lift,” junior Chad Griffin said. “I go here to look like I lift.”
Griffin thought it was unfair of MizzouRec to “take away the one article of clothing [he looks] hot in.”
Sex appeal is not the only talking point of the protestors. Freshman John Smith was furious from an identity viewpoint.
“As a student from the country of Florida, I can’t help but feel this ban was a targeted measure to shut down a part of my culture,” Smith said.
Administration is not receptive to the outrage, arguing that the rec center is not an area in which anything goes. Director of MizzouRec Bephen Styrd let protestors know that “Every piece of clothing has a time and a place, and the recreation center is not the place for sideless tank tops. If it’s any consolation, gym bros can still give people a slight side view of their nipples at frat parties.”
Alongside Styrd’s torching remarks, Chun Moi, UM System president and MU chancellor, shut down concerns from students in a Tuesday press conference.
“Most of the people who wear sideless tank tops are not as physically attractive as they think they are,” Moi said.
The controversy has flared to the point that Missouri political heavyweights chimed in.
“It’s not the fact that this is a blatant violation of the First Amendment’s freedom of expression that bothers me,” U.S. Sen. Hosh Jawley said. “It’s that we are acting like this isn’t just another part of higher education’s sick, selfish, socialist agenda.”
Other politicians were quick to denounce MizzouRec’s decision, expressing concern at the university’s decision to impose restrictions on basic liberties.
“On behalf of the great freedoms this country was built upon, I will no longer expose myself on the University of Missouri’s recreational center’s premises until this ban is reversed,” Gov. Pike Marson warned reporters.
Other facets of the MMRA include mandating full-body swimsuits that cover heads, shoulders, knees and toes (knees and toes, knees and toes) in the pool area, as well as changing the Pump Room’s name to the Striation Station.
Edited by Abby Stetina | astetina@themaneater.com
