This piece is entirely satirical and includes invented names and facts.
As a result of the chilly weather that has plagued Columbia these winter months, students within Southwest Village spend every day preparing themselves to make sure they don’t join Thomas Jefferson as frozen statues upon Mizzou’s campus.
With fluctuating temperatures, students are thrown off their rhythm and often forget the biting wind that accompanies them to class when the colder days decide to attack. No one knows what these pioneers go through. Over 1,000 expeditioners make the trek down Tiger Avenue to make it to their classes on time, and some have unfortunately paid the price.
Waking up early is not uncommon for those within the different halls of Southwest. Jack Frost works hard, but Mizzou students work … an average amount. The students begrudgingly wake up early to make sure they have everything packed for the day so they don’t have to make the horrid trip multiple times.
“With this weather, I always try to make sure I’m ready for anything,” Elsa of Arendelle said. “I have my laptop within its sleeve to make sure Canvas doesn’t get too cold and freeze, though I haven’t been able to tell if that’s just from the cold or campus WiFi … it really depends on the day.”
With their jackets, multiple pairs of hats, gloves, socks and boots, students make sure warmth is their top priority.
“I have so many layers of jackets and sweaters that once I finish, I kind of look like one of those Russian nesting dolls when I start to undress,” Justin Time said.
Once class ends, students are forced to spend extra time putting their gear back on, risking the possibility of being late to their next class. Though there are a few risk-takers, some students who wear summer clothes like crop tops and shorts in the dead of winter don’t seem to get cold at all. That is because at first glance you may not notice it, but with a closer look you can see they are walking with their portable heaters to class. Though it may be extra weight, some find it worth the price so they can keep up their aesthetics.
One of the pit stops students take is the Starbucks right next to the Southwest dining hall. Whether they’ve come back from their long workday or are just starting their adventure, students may rest their feet with a warm beverage that can thaw their frostbitten hands. Because of this, Starbucks has reported that it will stop selling hot drinks. It does not want the mermaid to run away like she did last semester; they just got her back and want to make sure she stays warm through the winter season. Though employees think this won’t be a problem, even in this weather iced coffee still is at an all-time high.
Though an unpopular opinion, some students take this weather as a positive thing.
“I have my 8 a.m. lecture class down in Gannett Hall,” Cold As-Ice said. “As a journalism major, I use this as a way to hone my skills for reporting the weather.”
As-Ice spends the mornings before class informing everyone in his surroundings as he passes Jesse Hall about the current weather and temperature. As-Ice has received many complaints, including one from Elle Woods wearing a fitted top with mesh leggings.“I know what I wore today — he doesn’t have to rub it in my face how cold it is. This was a choice,” Woods said.
Those brave Tigers walk throughout campus and back to their homes in Southwest Village daily, and they can’t wait until the spring season for unpredictable weather that won’t make them frozen mementos of MU’s history.
Edited by Abby Stetina, astetina@themaneater.com