“Rate my tinder?”
– Flying Brick
Dear Flying Brick,
That’s a hard swipe left.
But I’m here to help, so let’s go through it, shall we?
Overall, your vibes are not in check. They’re pointing in way too many directions. This is a meat market; you only have a glance to sell yourself. So decide on the superficial version of yourself you want to sell to an equally desperate classmate today and stick with just the one.
Okay, so, having an American flag in the background is a HARD PASS. Some might even call it a major red flag. The patriotism is uncanny, and it gives me “I-Want-To-Domesticize-My-Wife” vibes, which I just don’t think any 20-year-old needs. Tinder is for fantasizing about your life with strangers, so serve these bored swipers something to fantasize about. Also, what are you pointing to on your arm? Are you showing me where the sleeve of your Hawaiian shirt ends? Thanks, I guess? Are you trying to point out your “muscles?” If you are, at least you understand the assignment, but the execution is not top. Also, why the clenched fist? Why the lack of shoes? Why the rabbit in the background? It takes multiple minutes to look through everything going on in this picture, and on Tinder, people only want to spend 0.7 second on your face. And what you’re serving is not going to give you any of the matches with random users you so desperately crave.
That was just the first picture. My notes on the rest are:
- You’ve somehow managed to have a dog picture on Tinder that wasn’t cute.
- You’re wearing sneakers in water? Never trust a guy with wet shoes.
- Shakespeare almost giving you the finger is not the look you want on your Tinder. Again, think superficially. This is Tinder; people don’t actually care about you.
- Never put a girl on your Tinder! Whoever it might be, it doesn’t shout “Take me, I’m single,” and all the swipers will have already swiped away.
- I can see in your sunglasses that it’s a selfie, but you’re trying to make it look like it’s not. Better attention to detail next time.
- Seven pictures is too many pictures.
Also, find something better to do with your life than Tinder. Tinder is literally shopping through people. It’s pretending like you deserve to have all the potential singles in the world served to you on a silver platter — like you’re good enough to choose between them like you are some sort of untouchable overlord. And it’s nice, I mean, you don’t have to interact with the rest of us commoners, who need to be vulnerable and fear rejection. But if you’re brave enough, I suggest you climb down from your throne in the virtual sky and try out some good old-fashioned human connection.
XOXO
Your-Hard-Left-Swiping-Cynical-Dating-Advice-Columnist
“I’m trying to work out my feelings for a new guy I’ve been seeing. I haven’t dated anyone in years and I’m a little rusty. I also got my heart broken last time, so I’m afraid of commitment and things moving too fast. I’ve been dating (and…kissing) a longtime friend for a bit, but I’m not feeling sparks yet — I didn’t have a crush on him before we started going out. Am I just nervous to hop back into the dating game, and can feelings and attraction grow? Or do I just…not like this guy? Help!”
Cautious Commitment-phobe
Dear Cautious Commitment-phobe,
Don’t date someone you’re not into.
XOXO
Your-They’re-Just-Not-That-Into-You-Cynical-Dating-Advice-Columnist
“as elementary as it sounds, i’ve been crushing on this particular person since the beginning of the term. i’ve talked to them a few times, and they even know that i’m interested, but i’m too nervous/afraid to initiate anything. how do i move forward?”
nervous nelly
Dear nervous nelly,
The first step in moving forward is learning to capitalize your sentences.
Now that that’s out of the way, what I’m most curious about is how this person knows you’re interested in them. I don’t suppose you’ve told them if you’ve only talked to them a couple of times; judging from your pseudonym, you don’t seem that brave. I can’t help wondering if they actually know, and it’s not just you and your in-love-irrational brain that just assumes so. If they actually know, and they’re reciprocating the interest, wouldn’t something have happened? If they knew their crush has a crush on them, wouldn’t you two be on your honeymoon right now? Based on that logic, your crush is probably not interested in you.
So, there’s probably nothing to initiate and no “moving forward” for you. You have had all the semester to do something about it, and you apparently haven’t. There are a lot of people out there in the world who are supremely shy and still succeed in finding a life partner. They’re not too nervous if they want it enough and it’s reciprocated. You probably don’t want it enough, and it’s obviously not reciprocated.
Take this as an invitation to get over it quickly. That’s the only “moving forward” there will be in this for you. Good for you that there are 30,000 desperate young adults on campus; you will have a new crush by the beginning of next term for you to shyly dance around and never initiate actual contact with. What a fun time to be alive. And if you get too desperate after a couple of semesters, you can have Flying Brick help you create a Tinder profile.
XOXO
Your-Has-A-New-Crush-Every-Month-Cynical-Dating-Advice-Columnist
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Edited by Ever Cole | ecole@themaneater.com
