“Wahooo,” wailed an unidentifiable source from outside the confines of my janky Honda Civic. I was cruising down I-70 last month, in the midst of my 2Pac sing-along to “Brenda’s Got A Baby” when I was suddenly interrupted by what sounded like the moan of a dying farm animal. Startled, I jerked the wheel almost colliding with what I was surprised to discover was not a mutilated cow with a gimp leg that thwarted its migration to greener pastures. Rather, puttering along in the lane beside me was a Mr. Six (the Six Flags dancing buffoon) doppelganger, but titillating dance moves wasn’t the only thing this old gent was lacking. Sporting only a neon pink Speedo and aviator goggles, his cheeks (I won’t specify which ones) flapped in the wind as he zipped past me revving the engine of his vintage moped.
Despite the sheer terror that should have been flooding my mind at the prospect of almost running down an partially exposed senior citizen, there was only one thought that arose: my god, I cannot wait to be old!
Anti-aging creams, Botox, hair plugs, Joan Rivers: within 10 minutes of watching VHI you can already see the negative connotation aging has in our society. I will admit I find myself also falling subject to these anxieties. But seniority should be celebrated, not feared, so I want to take some time to address the pros of becoming a geezer. I call this life philosophy F.U.N.K. (FUN, UNRESTRAINED, NOMADIC, KINKY). Now F.U.N.K. should only be implemented in the last stages of life, advisably post child rearing and retirement.
Fun: Growing up blows, but once you have reached a certain age you get to jump back in the ball pit, except this time with a bottle of whisky and a smoking hot stripper (or significant other of varying attractiveness). You are done fulfilling your duties to society, or at least you gave it a good shot – either way, now it’s time to pull out all the stops.
**Unrestrained:**
Elderly people can get away with anything; it is like they are granted a universal get-out-of-jail-free card. When I was a kid vacationing with my grandmother, I remember her clearing out the mini bars, stealing the window foliage, and making off with various other hotel commodities at the places we stayed. When management finally caught on she simply used her old person voodoo to go from heavy fines to free extra stays. Old people are like Yoda: They have this commanding Force that enables them to escape the hassles of lines, parking, rules and dealing with annoying people without physical or emotional abuse and wearing pants in the locker room.
**Nomadic:**
Eventually the ties are cut, kids move out and friends die off. While this sounds depressing, I prefer to see it as liberating. No more obligatory pet-sitting (or in my case pet-killing) for friends, attending children’s events such as elementary attempts at music that just leave your ears bleeding, or abiding to anyone’s schedule but your own. You can just leave! You are globally nomadic. Jet off to anywhere! Savings? Who needs it anymore – go wherever your heart, or loins, leads you.
**Kinky:**
Old people sex is the best. All physical requirements go out the window and pregnancy is no longer a concern; go bareback. You are not worried about what your partner is going to think about your naked physique, nope – you are just glad to be getting some!
Now as your birthday cake slowly becomes more of a fire hazard don’t fret, aging you should let, so funky you can get.
