I knew as I slid my feet into the stirrups and writhed and wiggled in anticipation of the cold speculum that I was embarking on a new sexual journey.
I would even venture to say that I am now a connoisseur of these experiences. A specialist if you insist. I am, what you would call, an aficionado of everything anti-baby.
While occasionally I oblige to sexual fantasies and kinky acts for writing inspiration solely, this experience was something of its very own. While the actual experience was too intimate to even share with my monogamous partner, I feel compelled to share in an attempt to dispel the taboo nature of “unconventional” forms of birth control in a college setting.
Yesterday, my uterus and I made friends with the gynecologist sought-after intrauterine device (or IUD), called Mirena. The soft, flexible plastic t-shaped birth control contraceptive delivers a low dosage of the hormone levonorgestrel directly into your uterus and lasts up to five years. Sans the daily pill taking and stresses over more conventional forms of birth control, Mirena boasts it is more effective than sterilization, without the permanency.
Even though there is not a single explanation for how Mirena works, doctors suggest it works in a number of ways. Mirena might thicken cervical mucus (which circumvents sperm from entering the uterus), stop the release of an egg from a woman’s ovary, inhibit sperm from reaching its destination or thin the uterine wall.
Before considering any type of birth control, it is important to do your research, but also to go in with a level head. No single birth control is 100 percent effective, 100 percent right for everyone’s body or without side effects or risks.
While the uncertainty of the IUD’s activity might seem daunting, the Internet reviews will have you crying (and cramping) in the corner. Remember, the happiest of birth control users are out there using their loins to their full potential, while the least satisfied are hunched over their keyboard giving message boards their vaginal rage.
Among the side effects listed, the implantation of the IUD seemed more off-putting in comparison to that of other forms of birth control. In the past, I have tried three different brands of birth control pills (including Ortho Tri-Cyclen and Yaz), Ortho Evra (the patch), NuvaRing, condoms, spermicidal products and the not-so-trusty pull-out method as forms of contraceptive.
All of this was not as disconcerting as the implantation of Mirena seemed to be. While other forms of birth control require taking a pill, or placing it in your love box or on your skin, Mirena is placed inside your uterus.
The process takes only a minute or two, but in my experience, it is accompanied with a lot of discomfort for a very short amount of time. I have had close to 8 hours of tattoo work done and countless other piercings, and the implant fell extremely low on my painful experiences.
After all, the worst had yet to come. After successfully placing Mirena in my body, the doctor trimmed the strings that are meant to dangle an inch or two from your uterus (the strings also serve to reassure the IUD is still intact). The procedure was done in less than five minutes. After dressing and transferring to another office for a sonogram (they must check to see if it is placed correctly), I was struck with the most uncomfortable and unbearable cramps while in the waiting room. Not only did I feel dizzy, but also a wave of nausea kept me hunched over my chair in anguish.
After half an hour of seemingly feminine hell, the nausea and cramps significantly subsided after a few more Advil and the successful digestion of the hot dog I had for lunch (read: bad idea).
After leaving the doctor’s office, I felt woozy, bloated and exhausted, however these side effects also subsided within the next two hours and a few naps.
Now into day two, I feel great and back to normal.
I’ll save you the bloody (sorry, I couldn’t help it) details, but Mirena seems to be delivering exactly what it promises — a significantly (75 percent) lighter flow. Twenty percent of women cease their flow all together while on Mirena.
And with Mirena, the contraceptive works immediately and consistently. You know what that means: less down time and more getting down time.
It might be too early to tell (or even recommend), but so far, so good on this hormonal hap. Only time (and my organs) will tell.
But for birth control, don’t let time tell you anything. Regardless of your method, practice it hard and often. After all, there is absolutely nothing sexier than worry-free, guilt-free sex.