Since birth, the world has been chipping away at the confident, self-asserted fetus I once was. Coming out four days late and flinging my umbilical cord everywhere like I owned that mother-fucking hospital, I consider it the high point on Lindsey’s Trajectory of Self-Esteem.
I applaud my parents; I really do. They tried so hard to shield me from the rugged terrain that lay before me. But even armed with the professional literary wisdom, “Your Child’s Self Esteem”, they could not keep up with my continually elongating limbs and ridiculous notions.
Like I said, fetus = high point, but right after I was still doing pretty well. My baby years were solid. I changed nurseries a lot which made me apt at being the new infant in the crib. I had an awesome onesie and a gleeful shriek that melted hearts.
However, after I hit preschool days my emotional stability and self-esteem consistency began to resemble what Bill Clinton’s polygraph reading would have looked like during the “ I did not have sexual relations with that woman” spiel.
The chart below is a medley of influential events in my childhood and their respective place on the spectrum of self-esteem and corresponding qualitative state of being.
Self-Esteem Level:
100 percent = I’M MOTHER-FUCKING LINDSEY WEHKING, BITCH
90 percent = Audition for survivor
80 percent= Tricked into thinking I can eat cake sexily
70 percent= Still under the illusion I can make overalls look cute
40 percent = Watching a lot of daytime TV
30 percent= Will give number to taxidermist
25 percent= Will give number to homeless man
20 percent = Cry about my life
0 percent = Pass out in the pantry two to three times a week
-5 percent= The only people at your birthday party are parents’ friends’ kids
Events:
1: Fetus –100 percent
2: Baby—90 percent
3: Got first preschool boyfriend –90 percent
4: Dumped by boyfriend for kindergarten whore—40 percent
5: Boyfriend loses first tooth, I pull out two teeth and give them to him, and he gives them to the whore–20 percent
6: Mastered peeing in the dark –30 percent
7: Everyone found out my Tamagotchi collection was fake Happy Meal toys –25 percent
8: Recruited for child modeling –70 percent
9: Discovered child modeling was a scam –20 percent
10: SPRING FLING DANCE!!!! –80 percent
11: After spring fling dance –0 percent
12: The rest of middle school— -5 percent
12: Got a stalker— 20 percent
