**Brandon Foster**: Yo, America.
**America**: Sup?
**BF:** Not sure if you’ve noticed, but it’s Nov. 11.
**USA:** Of course I’ve noticed. Eleven-eleven-eleven!
**BF:** Oh, so you’re observing Veterans Day?
**USA:** What? Oh yeah, Veterans Day. Of course.
**BF:** Anyway… not sure if you remember, but it’s only been 11 days since Halloween. What’s with all the Christmas decs?
**USA:** CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSS!
**BF:** Yeah, that. Why are you already airing Christmas commercials? I can’t even go to JC Penney’s or the bookstore without getting bombarded by trees, lights and garland.
**USA:** CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSS!
**BF:** I thought you said you were gonna cooperate with this interview…
**USA:** Sorry. I’m 235 years old. Gimme a break.
**BF:** Fine. But seriously, what ever happened to Christmas beginning the day after Thanksgiving?
**USA:** The day after what?
**BF:** Thanksgiving. You know… Pilgrims, turkey, parades?
**USA:** Not ringing any bells.
**BF:** Oh, come on. The third Thursday of November?
**USA:** Why in the name of King George would I wanna wait that long to put up Christmas decorations?
**BF:** Because you’re completely ignoring the utterly fantastic holiday that is Thanksgiving by starting the Christmas season so soon.
**USA:** But. But. But. I just can’t wait that long for my Christmas music. Maybe if Thanksgiving had its own music, it would actually Constitute grabbing my attention.
**BF:** What are you talking about? What about “10 Little Indians” or that song Adam Sandler did on SNL? [Adam Sandler singing voice] “A turkey for me, a turkey for you. Let’s eat turkey in a big brown shoe…
**USA:** Three words: Jack and Jill.
**BF:** Well what about Fall Out Boy’s “Thnks fr th Mmrs” or the theme to the Golden Girls or “Kind and Generous” by Natalie Merchant? You know: “I’m bound to thank you for it. Na na na na na na na…”
**USA:** I miss the ’90s as much as any other bankrupt country, but you’re gonna have to come up with some fresh, new content if you really wanna sell me on Thanksgiving.
**BF:** All right. Here goes nothing.
**”A-maize-ing Grace” by Akorn**: Ready to dig in? Not before saying grace, you’re not. Don’t worry, they’re not all this corny.
**”Are You Gonna Be My Squaw?” by Local Natives**: This is the song for _her_. The one with the feathers in her hair and that girl-next-teepee look. Go get ’em, cowboy. Er, Indian.
**”Last Thursday Night (T.G.I.T.)” by The Grateful Reds**: “Yeah, we ate off tabletops and we took too many shots. At deer.”
**”(Native) American Pie” by The John Smiths**: Nothing says Thanksgiving quite like pie. And nothing says Thanksgiving music quite like an eight-minute ode to pumpkin, mincemeat, pecan and the like.
**”Plymouth Rock Anthem” by LMFAP (Leave My Family Alone, Pilgrims)**: Tribal chants are _so_ 17th Century. Your entire family will be shufflin’ ’round the dinner table this Thanksgiving.
I can go all day, America (“I Yam… Sasha Fierce.”) Now, show some respect.