I have seen a toddler ingest not one, not two, but three separate illegal drugs in the course of a single night. I have seen said toddler scurry literally up walls and around ceilings. I have heard said toddler utter the phrase, “I have the munchies.”
I have seen enough random 3D shit thrown at me — raw eggs, a claymation penis, a giant blunt — to never want to play dodgeball ever again.
I have seen four naked boobs and one Jesus Christ in the same shot. I have seen Jesus take a shot in the proximity of four naked boobs. I have seen average or worse looking guys score perfect-10 women.
I have seen garland and nativity sets and plastic snowmen and heard “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” despite the fact that my calendar and everyone else’s is still clearly turned to November. I have seen Santa. I have seen Santa talk about masturbation. I have seen Santa smoke a bong.
I have seen enough lazy stereotypes to make even an amateur stand-up comedian cringe. I have seen racism paraded around as comedy and comedy paraded around as wit.
I have seen a two-foot-tall waffle-making robot utter the phrase, “Pancakes are fucking gay.” So, cool. Now I can scratch that off my bucket list.
I have seen the folds of my palms close up as I buried my head in my hands in disbelief, exasperation and disgust.
I have seen Neil Patrick Harris degrade himself by way of pantomimed cunnilingus, massage rape and general insufferability. I have seen him subconsciously try to figure out how he’s going to one day have to explain this to his kids.
I have seen, up close, what a penis looks like when stuck to a frozen metal pole. It looks very much like a regular penis, but stretched out and, y’know, stuck to a frozen metal pole.
I have see wink and nudge self-awareness so unsubtle that it may as well have been a documentary.
I have seen a clump of poop stuck to a car window somehow be splattered in a different shape in each shot.
I have seen an almost spooky prediction of Occupy Wall Street. That surely must have been coincidence, right?
I have seen a Jew-hating Jew, a drug-dealing mall Santa, a disgruntled Mexican father-in-law, an overprotective Russian mobster and a claymation giant evil snowman. I have seen Santa get shot out of the sky, a burning Christmas tree get thrown out of a window and surprisingly no one thrown in jail. I’ve seen sex, drugs, debauchery, child endangerment, attempted murder, theft and some really, really, really bad jokes.
I have seen “A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas.” And I hated every excruciating, unfunny, homophobic, racist, horny, shallow, childish, brain-dead second of it.
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