“Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad.”
If you don’t live under a rock and you come out into public at least once a month, then you’ve heard those lyrics. You know that sickeningly catchy single “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen? Yeah, that song. Unfortunately, those lyrics do not apply to Carly Rae Jepsen’s newest album, _Kiss_. At all. In fact, the term “one-hit wonder” may have worked out for her better than what _Kiss_ has in store for its listeners.
After being forced to listen to “Call Me Maybe” an endless amount of times since its release, it’s safe to say that I already had a negative impression of Jepsen. She annoyed me, quite frankly, and “Call Me Maybe” drove me insane. But, I thought, “Maybe _Kiss_ will have promise?” Ha, wishful thinking.
“Tiny Little Bows” kicks off the album, and from there, one can only hope it gets better. “Tiny Little Bows” is your typical redundant, over-processed bubble gum pop song with crappy dance beats and nonsensical lyrics: “How do you think it goes / With those tiny little bows? You’re the one that I want / You’re the one that I know / And everywhere you are / Is a place I wanna go / Dancing really high / Dancing really slow.” Real inspirational, Carly. You get ’em, girl. The next track, “This Kiss,” is no better. Different song, same story.
And then there’s the infamous “Call Me Maybe.” Immediately following that “gem” of a song, _Kiss_ showcases “Curiosity,” another attempt at a catchy dance song. Unfortunately, the song is yet another failure: between the 13,498 “oh’s” Jepsen sings in the chorus and the weird, whiny vocals, the song just doesn’t work.
But, look! What is that? Is that the light at the end of the tunnel? Yes! It is! The next few tracks are actually, dare I say it, kind of good. “Good Time,” “More Than a Memory,” “Turn Me Up” and “Hurt So Good” are four consecutive songs that are catchy and not completely embarrassing to listen to! Sure, the lyrics may not be the best, but we have to remember this is pop music, after all. (But just for giggles, let’s talk about how ridiculous the chorus to “Hurt So Good” is: “When you walk into the room / I can’t speak and I can’t move / You don’t see me but you should / Why you gotta make it hurt so good?”)
Next up, “Beautiful” features (drum roll) the Biebs himself! The song isn’t too terrible; if you’re into sappy acoustic love songs, it might be for you. Maybe not. But maybe. “Tonight I’m Getting Over You” is Jepsen’s I’m-an-independent-woman-who-don’t-need-no-man track, filled with lots of female angst and sass. Cute.
“Guitar String / Wedding Ring” and “Your Heart Is A Muscle” finish the album off with some of the worst lyrics on the album. On “Guitar String / Wedding Ring,” Jepsen sings, “If you cut a piece of guitar string / I would wear it like it’s a wedding ring / Wrapped around my finger / You know what I mean.” You know what she means? Yeah? And “Your Heart is a Muscle” at least reassures us listeners that Jepsen knows her anatomy: “You say love’s a fragile thing made of glass / But I think your heart is a muscle / Your heart is a muscle, You gotta work it out.”
So, yeah. That’s _Kiss_ — a collection of dreamy pop songs about love and break-ups and cute boys and kisses and flowers and phone calls (maybe) and all that cute romance stuff. If you’re into that kind of thing or you’re just looking to get your daily dose of teenage girl (minus the fact that Jepsen is 26 … weird), then this album is totes for you. If not, you probably should avoid this album. At all costs.