Cyclist Lance Armstrong, after vehemently denying for years that he had used performance-enhancing drugs, finally came clean on Jan. 14. The media immediately went into a frenzy.
People were understandably disappointed, no one more than me. I was a die-hard Armstrong fan. By that, I mean I watched ten minutes of the Tour de France once, and I bought a Livestrong bracelet. Okay, I just bought the bracelet because all the cool sixth graders had one … but still. I think I’m allowed to say I was personally victimized by Lance Armstrong.
However, in an effort to avoid having to find a new favorite athlete, I have decided to find ways to excuse Armstrong’s behavior and clear his name. I can only assume the second-best bicyclist is called Rance Legweak or something ridiculous like that. But I digress.
**Armstrong was able to lie for over ten years:** Look, I know for most people this is a negative, not a positive. But at a certain point you have to admire his dedication. I can’t even make it to Christmas without telling every single person in my family what I got them. Armstrong managed to not only fend off rumors of doping, but he was able to sue magazines that made claims he had. I can only assume that on top of taking performance-enhancing drugs, Armstrong took lying-enhancing drugs. Shame and guilt had no influence on Armstrong – the only thing that could make him crack was America’s Goddess herself, Oprah. We can’t blame him for that. Just hearing the name “Oprah Winfrey” is enough to make me confess that I ate an extra-large box of Gumby’s Pokey Stix solo last night.
**Armstrong doped:** Again, I know most of you are thinking that the whole problem is that Armstrong was doping, but have you ever thought about the process of blood transfusions? Armstrong hooked himself up to a machine that pumped his blood out, put more oxygen in it and then pumped it back in. Personally, I can’t think of any situation where I would voluntarily get blood transfusions. So, props to him for being willing to go through that. If that is not true American dedication, then I don’t know what is.
**Armstrong chose the right country singer to date, and not just because she’s a MU graduate:** If Armstrong had dated Taylor Swift instead of Sheryl Crow, his doping truth would have come out a lot sooner. Taylor Swift haters should be grateful to Armstrong for being smart enough to avoid dating her and consequently breaking up with her, leading to an obnoxiously catchy ditty about “My boyfriend cheated in the Tour de France and cheated on my love.”
**Armstrong has offered to confess the names of other athletes who have doped:** If there’s one thing our society hates, it’s a liar. If there is one thing we love, it’s a tattletale. We all like to think that we would be loyal to our fellow culprits, but in reality we realize that deep down, we are all wolves. If I’m going down, you better believe I’ll be taking as many people with me as I can.
**Reality check:** Armstrong should not have used performance-enhancing drugs, and he definitely should not have lied about it. However, I do not think it is fair to place blame on him without reflecting on our own behavior. Athletes and celebrities have taken on a superhuman status, and we need to remember to treat them as what they really are: Humans. There is no need to raise them up or bring them down.