_Dear MizzouFratBoy,_
_My friends and my girlfriend get along with each other about as well as Tigers and Jayhawks do. What do I do?_
_Sincerely, Victim of tug-of-war_
**Dear Tugged,**
Hate to break it to you, but you’ve got to dump the girlfriend. I have lost so many friends to girls over the years, and then they break up and don’t know what to do. You can’t waste the best years of your life trying to make Tigers and Jayhawks be friends. It will never happen. Ever. Your friends are the best judges of your girlfriend. If she’s the one, your friends will like her, and you will be like one big happy pack of tigers prancing around the countryside. It’s easier to find a new girlfriend than a new group of friends.
_Dear MizzouFratBoy,_
_So I’m crazy about this guy in my economics lecture, and we have study sessions together all the time. Thing is, I think he only sees me as a study buddy! How do I get past that?_
_Sincerely, Forever friendzoned_
**Dear Friendzoned,**
Ah. The age-old study buddy. I think we’ve all been in this situation. I personally have actually conquered the study buddy dynamic, and this is how you do it:
1.) Exchange numbers. “Studying” is by far the easiest way to get someone’s number.
2.) Study with them every chance you get. Study dates are my favorite because you only have to talk when you want to. If the conversation is going great, then you talk for hours and don’t get any studying done, which is your goal anyway. If the conversation isn’t coming as easily, then you put your head down and study. No awkwardness at all.
3.) Once established as a study buddy, slide in simple questions like, “What are you doing this weekend?” When they reply that they’re going out or want to do something but don’t have plans, then you say you were thinking the same thing. Meet them at a bar or suggest going to a party or equally something casual and social.
DO NOT ASK THEM OUT ON A DATE UNTIL YOU HAVE HUNG OUT WITH THEM OUTSIDE THE STUDY SETTING.
4.) Once you have hung out with them in public a couple times, studying may become more frequent, and you can ask them on a date. The best first date is something you both have interest in instead of just asking them out to dinner or a random movie.
_Dear MizzouFratBoy,_
_I’ve been exclusive with my significant other for a year, but I’m curious about changing it to an open relationship. How do I bring that up … delicately?_
_Sincerely, Monotonously monogamous_
**Dear Monotonous,**
Open relationships are for 60-year-old swingers who are tired of fucking the same person for the last four decades. Either you are with someone, or you aren’t. If you’re tired of fucking the same person for the last year, then you’re tired of that person period. I suggest temporarily breaking up and testing the market. If you are meant to be together, you will know it eventually.
_Dear Mizzou FratBoy,_
_What counts as cheating, and are you obligated to always ‘fess up?_
_Sincerely, You can rationalize anything, right?_
**Dear Rationalizer,**
The easy answer is anything that you wouldn’t want your significant other to do is cheating. Every couple has their own definition. I think you should ‘fess up, because you really shouldn’t keep anything from each other besides PIN numbers and Facebook passwords.
_Dear Mizzou FratBoy,_
_I spend at least two hours getting ready before I go out – between the makeup, hair styling, outfits and six-inch heels. Is it worth it? Does any of it _actually_ end up making an impression?_
_Sincerely, Trying hard or hardly trying?_
**Dear Trying,**
You want to know how long it takes me? Twenty minutes. Shit. Shower. Shave. Sperrys. Done. The overdressing at Mizzou is getting a little ridiculous. Spending hours getting ready just to go to the bar and get drunk, spill beer on yourself and fall on the street is a huge waste of drinking time. I’ve always had the theory that girls get dressed up to impress other girls. As long as you look clean and carry yourself confidently, you don’t need to overdo it in my book. It is kind of funny to see girls fall in 6-inch heels though, so you can keep those coming.
_Dear MizzouFratboy,_
_What happens when that one-night-stand — who you were never supposed to encounter, ever — turns out to be your partner for a semester-long journalism project?_
_Sincerely, Certified J-school nightmare_
**Dear J-school,**
Hahahahaha that sucks. I’ve always found the best way to relieve awkward situations is to make them more awkward. Throw a joke in there like “Well we could meet at my house, you know where it is.” Or “We should exchange numbers. Only 6 months late, right?” If you have to deal with this person all semester you better get over the awkwardness quick. Or just continue it to a two, three or four-night stand.
_Dear MizzouFratBoy,_
_Let’s be honest — it’s been a while since the last time I’ve, uh, _ridden the tiger_ with my significant other. We’re just both too busy! What should we do?_
_Sincerely, Might as well stop shaving_
**Dear Shaving,**
Riding the tiger is just a silly made-up Mizzou tradition. Everybody should do it once, but wanting to ride Truman on a continual basis is just absurd.
Okay but seriously. If you can’t find time to express love when you’re in college, there’s something wrong going on. Somebody wants out of the relationship. College is the easiest time in your life to hook up, whether it be with a significant other or not. Make it happen.
_Dear MizzouFratBoy,_
_Why does it seem like guys in frats get all the girls, like all the time?_
_Sincerely, Unaffiliated but unfulfilled_
**Dear Unaffiliated,**
Where should I begin? It’s easy to blame it on the money, clothes, attitude or another stereotype of frat guys. But here’s the real answer: Fraternities and sororities force people to be in situations that makes them less socially awkward.
My first homecoming I had to pomp and build shit with dozens of random girls for hours. Eventually, you simply learn how to talk to girls. There were awkward dudes in my pledge class that became ladies’ men during pomping. After homecoming, it’s the involvement of the Greek community through a variety of events and organizations that forces interaction. By your junior and senior year, you literally will know or at least recognize ¾ of the people at the bars. My advice to you would be to make friends with girls (or whoever you’re into) in organizations or classes, and use simple steps given to Friendzoned above to win them over.
_Dear MizzouFratBoy,_
_I’m out of good pick-up lines to use on Friday nights at Harpo’s. Got any good ones I could borrow?_
_Sincerely, Not so smooth talker_
**Dear Smooth,**
I feel like the person who asked this question hasn’t ever been to Harpo’s. You don’t use pick up lines at college bars. Your best bet on a random hook-up is running into friends and meeting some of their friends. This requires not being a “smooth talker” but just simply being personable and asking the right questions. An introduction from a friend is key. Although there are plenty of willing candidates out every night at every bar, rarely will a random pick-up line get you anywhere. It’s just how it is.
When all else fails, do the Barney Stinson. Get a wingman to go up to someone and ask “Have you met ___?” Proceed to act embarrassed, laugh it off and introduce yourself.
_Dear MizzouFratBoy,_
_My sorority sister and I are crushin’ on the same guy. Sisters before misters, or should I go in for the kill?_
_Sincerely, Sorry I’m not that sorry_
**Dear Not Sorry,**
Leave it up to him. May the best sister win. Agree to leave all jealousy at the door and scoop up some other guy if you lose. You’ll both be over him soon enough and laugh about it eventually. Trust me.
