There’s a sketch in the second season of IFC’s hit-or-miss comedy “Portlandia” where Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein spoil shows for their friends at a dinner party. It starts when the couple professes how good “Breaking Bad” is getting, and it continues to unravel from there. They go on to expose a multitude of programs’ plot points and senselessly ruin the ending of HBO’s “The Wire.” All the while, the other couples go hoarse shouting “No spoilers!” like it’s a suburban rallying cry.
This is actually a somewhat common scene in the world today. Spoilers seem to pop up everywhere we turn, from our loud-mouthed friends to the covers of magazines. Some people issue emergency alerts before jumping into the enticing details, while other people lay it out there like essential information. Regardless, it’s an issue that’s often parodied and laughed at — and SNL’s sorta ugly stepchild, “Portlandia,” more than proved that.
But here in my last column, I want to issue an important public service announcement of sorts to my readers. I don’t care if my voice is heard or if it ends up getting stuffed into the waste bin at Rollins, but I have one more thing I have to say: TV spoilers should not be taken lightly.
Yes, I understand that there are more important issues out there like government corruption, the economy and what Gary Busey did on “The Celebrity Apprentice” last night. Yes, I know that TV spoilers may seem like a bit of a first world problem. But for those of us who closely follow television and abuse our Netflix accounts like junkies, spoilers are a pressing and all-too-tragic issue. It’s our civil injustice, our corrupt government and our bad economy.
I just want to raise some awareness. It seems like a large majority of people are fairly indifferent to the rising spoiler epidemic. The day after “Breaking Bad” ended its eight-episode run, GIFs everywhere detailed an important scene with Hank Schrader on the toilet. The day after the season two “Homeland” finale, statuses all across Facebook were riddled with information about Sgt. Brody and Agent Mathison. And even though “Homeland’s” piss-poor second season was a massive letdown, it doesn’t change the fact that spoilers are an unequivocal bummer.
A spoiler tragically found my sister a few months ago. In a seemingly normal Google search for Matthew Crawley — perhaps in an effort to see those dreamy British eyes — the earth-shattering season three finale of “Downton Abbey” was ruined in a headline. She couldn’t watch another episode without knowing the titillating fate of the Crawleys. She couldn’t tune in Sunday nights without knowing which cast member was going to bite the dust.
We live in a time where long-form, narrative dramas are made with pinpoint precision. Even the most mediocre of primetime dramas — ahem, “The Following,” ahem — often end with expertly crafted cliffhangers that leave the viewer wondering how the hell what’s-his-name is going to get out of a certain jam. When that ending is ruined, it’s like getting punched in the gut by those dudes you see lifting at the Rec. It leaves a scar.
I don’t think it’s inappropriate to use my job as a TV columnist to raise awareness about this cause I care about. CBS had its good-intentioned “CBS Cares” promos, and there are those “Pass It On” PSAs that play before every movie. My cause may not be as profound or wide-reaching as others, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important. So consider this PSA my final message as the resident MOVE television guy — and please, let’s eliminate spoilers.
Say “spoiler alert” before posting about a TV show. Warn your friends before you jump into the captivating details of your favorite TV dramas or describe last night’s awesome episode of “The Voice.” Be careful when explaining what is going on with “Go On” or whatever other crappy new shows NBC is developing. But, above all else, don’t put people through the pain and anguish that my sister went through.
No more spoiling, people. Pass it on.
