A few weeks ago, I wrote a column about my predictions for the upcoming MLB season. The column was as accurate as it was well-received. With that column’s success in mind, I present to you my outrageously accurate predictions for the first round of the NFL Draft.

1. Houston Texans: The Texans pass on Jadeveon “Are we sure he’s human?” Clowney for Texas native Johnny Manziel. Manziel wins eight Super Bowls for the Texans, which is half the number of Playboy models he dates while in the league.

2. St. Louis Rams: Draft offensive tackle Jake Matthews. The pick makes 6,754 straight drafts in which the Rams have drafted an offensive lineman.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Missing an asshole backup quarterback (see Gabbert, Blaine), the Jags select Georgia quarterback Aaron Murray. Murray sets records for interceptions thrown and STDs received in a season.

4. Cleveland Browns: Select Sammy Watkins out of Clemson to complement Josh Gordon. The two combine to have one of the best statistical seasons ever between two receivers. The Browns go 2-14.

5. Oakland Raiders: Select kicker Chris Boswell from Rice as the heir apparent to Sebastian Janikowski. Janikowski is outspoken in his dislike for Boswell, and halfway through training camp, Boswell disappears.

6. Atlanta Falcons: Pick Greg Robinson, an offensive tackle from nearby Auburn. Robinson flourishes in Atlanta, becoming the best tackle in the league. The Rams blush.

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Select wide receiver Mike Evans from Texas A&M. The selection has nothing to do with playmaking ability, as the Bucs hope that Evans being a former teammate of Manziel is enough to drive up ticket sales.

8. Minnesota Vikings: As if Christian Ponder’s wife wasn’t enough, the Vikings select Blake Bortles.

9. Buffalo Bills: Pass on their pick because they have SLUH grad Ronnie Wingo on their roster. Wingo goes on to have the greatest statistical offensive season of all time.

10. Detroit Lions: Draft an anger management counselor for Ndamukong Suh.

11. Tennessee Titans: Select stud outside linebacker Anthony Barr, who has a ton of athleticism and upside. He quickly becomes the best outside backer in the league. Again, the Rams blush.

12. New York Giants: Draft Zack Martin, an offensive guard from Notre Dame. The pick makes little impact on the Giants, who go 9-7, squeak into the playoffs and then upset the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

13. St. Louis Rams: Draft Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. He and Janoris Jenkins become immediate best friends.

14. Chicago Bears: Select Marqise Lee from USC. Jay Cutler hates him and doesn’t throw him the ball the entire year. When informed Lee is the Bears’ first-round pick, Cutler responds, “I don’t care.”

15. Pittsburgh Steelers: Can’t afford to sign a first-round pick due to the cost of repairs sustained from Bane destroying their field.

16. Dallas Cowboys: Jerry Jones gives the Houston Texans $1 billion and Cowboys AT&T Stadium for Manziel. The deal falls through when Jones tries to include Tony Romo.

17. Baltimore Ravens: Draft Ray Lewis to help with Ray Rice’s legal trouble.

18. New York Jets: Draft quarterback Derek Carr out of Fresno State. Carr is having a good year until he suffers a “butt fumble.” The embarrassment of the play causes him to retire.

19. Miami Dolphins: Select Cyrus Kouandjio from Alabama. Kouandjio leaves the team after being hazed too hard during training camp.

20. Arizona Cardinals: Pick Teddy Bridgewater from Louisville. Bridgwater leads the Cardinals to the playoffs, gets hurt in the first game and Kurt Warner comes out of retirement to miraculously lead them to victory.

21. Green Bay Packers: Part-owner Daniel Schmidt selects L’Damian Washington out of the University of Missouri.

22. Philadelphia Eagles: Draft Vince Papale, 68-year-old bartender out of South Philadelphia.

23. Kansas City Chiefs: Miss their pick because Andy Reid was too busy making decisions in the buffet line.

24. Cincinnati Bengals: Select Torque (Construction Noise) Lewith from the Nevada State Penitentiary.

25. San Diego Chargers: Draft an imaginary player with a real girlfriend.

26. Cleveland Browns: Draft LeBron James, a wide receiver out of St. Vincent-St. Mary High School.

27. New Orleans Saints: Select James Franklin out of Mizzou, continuing Mizzou’s tradition of Drew Brees’ backups who win Super Bowls.

28. Carolina Panthers: Select the Play 60 kid.

29. New England Patriots: Belichick drafts a player and never reveals who it is.

30. San Francisco 49ers: Draft Michael Sam to help the currently-horrific image of Mizzou defensive ends in San Francisco.

31. Denver Broncos: Draft a new contract for Peyton Manning that will have him playing quarterback in Denver into his sixties.

32. Seattle Seahawks: Decide there’s no reason to choose someone because they have no needs. Their cockiness costs them, and they go winless.