In my 20 years on this planet, I have learned a few things. For example, never suggest a woman is pregnant unless you see a baby coming out of her at that moment. Don’t take a laxative after you take your sleeping pills. And finally, a bathroom can make the difference between feeling good and feeling like you are the dirtiest person on Earth.
Mizzou is full of buildings and, therefore, full of bathrooms. Every day that a student goes to class, he or she is faced with an important decision: Which bathroom should I use?
Luckily, I am somewhat of a savant when it comes to bathroom use. Throughout my freshman year, I estimate that I used, and I am not kidding here, 30 different bathrooms. I have compiled a list of the best bathrooms for the uninformed to reference.
But before we get into that, we need to talk about the danger zones.
**The bathrooms that no student should ever use**
_All bathrooms in Arts & Sciences_
Never use these bathrooms. Ever. They perpetually smell like … well, bathroom. The stall walls are too short, the smell is too strong and the atmosphere is too Romantic language-y. Avoid unless there is an absolute emergency making its way through your lower intestine.
_Mort’s_
This bathroom is literally always being cleaned. Literally. If you try and go there during lunch hours, all you will find is disappointment — [much like my dating life](https://www.themaneater.com/stories/2014/9/30/cheap-dates-are-good-dates/). Why they schedule to clean during lunch hours, I have no idea. Just know that the only person using this bathroom is the custodian.
**The Best Bathrooms on Campus**
_Basement of Student Center_
The basement bathrooms are a godsend. They are very quiet and very clean, thanks to the low amount of foot traffic. If you are able to get past the amount of condescending stares that occupy the “silent” portion of the student center, this bathroom utopia is only a few hallways away. Although somewhat out of the way, the trip is worth it. With four private stalls and a location that only a few are aware of, this bathroom easily makes it onto the list of premier lavatories on campus.
_Second floor of Gannett Hall_
This bathroom is a single-user model. It has a push-door lock, double-ply toilet paper and a location that makes awkward door knocks very unlikely. It is best to use the bathroom during the 37th minute of any given hour. (By this time, all of the journalism students are deep into discussions of grammar, story structure and whether to use ‘who’ or ‘whom.’)
_Second Floor of Physics Building_
If you go up the stairs to the second floor and walk down the long hallway of professors’ offices, you will find quite possibly the best bathroom at the University of Missouri. Its entrance isn’t clearly marked, so privacy is almost guaranteed, and there are two doorways for added security. It is also one of the few campus bathrooms that those tree-hugging, earth-conscious liberals haven’t gotten their hands on, so you will be free to bask in the glories of manual toilet flushers, self-serve soap containers and, most importantly, paper towels.
If you take advantage of these restroom locations, you will be surprised how fun and easy going to the bathroom can be. Just make sure to wash your hands and eat a sufficient amount of fiber.