It’s fall in Columbia. Football season is in full swing, Walmart is selling Christmas decorations, and pumpkin flavor is being infused into every food and drink imaginable. Fall also means that it is time to put away the summer wardrobe. Yes, it is time to exchange those Chubbies and Sperry’s for some khakis and Sperry’s.
I grew up with my mom in charge of the remote. I said yes to the dress, listened to Clinton and Stacy tell me what not to wear, and was disappointed when, year after year, America failed to find its next top model. What I’m getting at here is, I know how to dress.
And I am willing to share what I know.
Let’s get started with a staple of the fall wardrobe: the vest. The vest is the most tactically advanced article of clothing since the turtleneck (which, on an unrelated note, is the classiest way to cover up hickeys). Vests are the perfect garments for guys. Look, when working out, we all know that there is only one lift that matters: the bicep curl. And if you spend hours and hours sculpting your guns, you are going to want to show them off. You don’t buy a Ferrari to park it in the garage, so don’t make yourself huge then stuff yourself into sweater and jacket sleeves — if they can even contain you.
Fleeces from The North Face are also a must. They let everyone know that you are an adventurer. You were made for the outdoors. You take the MKT Trail to school and mountains are your playthings. This garment kept you safe and warm when scaling the St. Francois Mountains, and — what do you mean you never climbed the St. Francois Mountains? You’ve never been on the MKT either? Then why are you wearing that fleece jacket from The North Face? I don’t care if it was on sale at Dick’s Sporting Goods for $99. If you are wearing something from The North Face and haven’t had at least one outdoor excursion, I am pretty sure they can sue you for misrepresentation of their brand.
[According to Glamour.com ’s Most Wearable Fashion Trends of 2014](http://www.glamour.com/fashion/2014/02/fall-2014s-most-wearable-fashion-trends/15), capes are in. Yes, the article of clothing that only the weird kid in the corner of your high school cafeteria rocked is now in style. It’s about time, too. This practical garment has been kept out of the spotlight for too long. Now, you will be able to extend your arms and run really fast to class pretending that you can fly. Or maybe hold it up in front of you so that it covers half of your face and start laughing maniacally. However you utilize your cape, one thing is for sure: this trend is definitely not stupid.
Now, there are some haters out there that might say things like “Isn’t it more important that we dress to stay warm?” or “Other brands offer cheaper jackets that are just as functional.” All I have to say to that is, I would rather die of pneumonia than have a Columbia brand coat keep me warm. Now put on your cape and go impress some people.