Parties are glorious things. I partied almost every weekend when I was in high school. Two or three close friends would come over on Saturday night, and we would watch TV or play video games until almost midnight. Sometimes we would even order a pizza or go out and buy soda if we didn’t have to wake up early to do homework the next morning.
Then I came to college.
I realized that the Mizzou student body and I had different definitions of partying. I thought partying was just hanging out with some close friends for a couple of hours. After coming to college, I realized that partying is a social experiment where you voluntarily impair your judgment around strangers. I’ve been to some real college parties now and I have learned some things — namely what should be avoided. These “don’ts” range from the fairly obvious to the slightly obscure, but do yourself a favor and check them out.
**Don’t overdo the drinking**
Hey man, I know you came here to have a good time. A couple of hours ago, you probably were having a good time. But now you can’t support the weight of your own head and you keep trying to open up to me about some unusual life experience you had when you were at summer camp in the sixth grade. I just met you. I am not the one to talk to about that.
**Don’t try and fight everyone**
Listen, you look good in your size medium Ed Hardy shirt. Everyone can see how jacked you are. You don’t need to prove anything. Stop trying to fight anyone who doesn’t agree with you about how Dave Matthews is the voice of our generation.
**Don’t stand on the furniture**
You are hammered; how did you even get up on the table? Get down from there. You are going to hurt yourself, or another person, or — why are you screaming now?! I just don’t want you to hurt yourself … and now you are dancing. Great. No, that’s a good idea; get after it, Coyote Ugly.
**Don’t change the music without permission from the host**
Party hosts spend hours picking out the music for their parties. They slave over a warm laptop all day, finding songs on Spotify that will create a perfect environment for their party. But hey, if you think everyone wants to listen to “Fergalicious,” by all means play it.
And speaking of music …
**Don’t bring an instrument to the party**
Unless you are going to a bonfire, or you are part of the scheduled entertainment for the evening, leave your acoustic guitar at home. We get it — you can play ”Wonderwall,” and that’s great. I’m sure there are some high school girls that would be really impressed by that. But Brookside is not the place for that. You’ll have to settle for bragging about how you can play guitar instead.
Partying is a lot of fun, but it can get ugly real fast. The one thing you really need to do while partying is keep control of yourself. When the Fireball is flowing and the bass is pumping, it’s easy to cut loose. But remember, nobody wants to party with an incontinent moron.