Imagine a world in which we all wear deodorant, brush our teeth and treat each others’ genitals with the love and respect (and the gentle grip) that they deserve. A world in which bedside faux pas are a thing of the past, and we can all have sweet, messy, awkward sex — sex without anyone giving anyone angry side eyes or trying to make erotic asphyxiation a thing. A world in which we all are practiced in the basic arts of having sex manners.
Can you see it? Will you join me on this quest to educate our fellow sexual beings?
Together, we can do it. We can create a world where every sexual encounter is a positive, wonderful experience. Here are 10 ways to get started. The rest is in your hands.
**1. Reciprocation is not mandatory.**
But it is polite. So do what you feel, but remember that sex is best when it’s a consensual give and take.
**2. Respect the sex organs.**
Unless you know your partner well from experience, always start things off gently. It’s a lot more exciting to hear your partner ask for more, than to get a smack across the face because you’re manhandling precious cargo. People make babies with those things! Be gentle. Bringing and using a condom goes with this. It doesn’t get more respectful than wanting to protect each other from infections and rogue sperm.
**3. Sheath the teeth.**
See #2. A little nipping is sometimes okay, but just remember, you are not a frisky wolf pup.
**4. If you’ve seen it done in porn, you should probably not.**
Imitating something you’ve seen from a RedTube video in between the sheets is like jumping off the Willis Tower because Batman does it in “The Dark Knight.” You are not Batman. This rule especially applies to spanking, hair-pulling, and calling someone by a term you wouldn’t use around your grandparents. If you have built rapport with your sex partner and really want to try something, bring it up verbally first. “Is it okay if I __________?” works nicely.
**5. Don’t be a head pusher-downer.**
Do not waterboard someone with your genitals. It is the rudest thing in the world. If you want to suggest a certain … rhythm, ask if you can show them how fast or slow you want to go.
**6. Regarding hickies — ask for permission, not forgiveness.**
The obvious theme of the day: If you’re not sure, ask. Hickies are a pain in the ass to deal with. You don’t know if your partner could have an interview the next day, or a class presentation, or just an overarching desire to not wear an infinity scarf. Be considerate, and also remember that cooking breakfast is an equally effective way to show you care.
**7. Don’t talk about other/former partners in bed.**
Let’s think of a situation where this is okay. Wait. Nope. There is no such situation.
**8. Communicate what you want!**
Tell your partner whether you’re liking or disliking what’s currently happening, and then pull a Spice Girls and tell ‘em what you want — what you really, really want. Mindreading has still not been invented by Apple, Google or Facebook, so constant feedback is the best way to get to a place where you’re both feeling good.
**9. Be honest about birth control and STDs.**
Ideally, you should cover these topics before any zippers are approached. But whenever you broach the subject, tell the truth. It’s in everyone’s best interest. The truth will come out, via genital warts if need be.
**10. Hygiene is king.**
Sex gets messy, and that’s one of the fun parts. But try to keep things as spic ‘n’ span as you can. There’s the obvious, like showering beforehand, indulging in deodorant and having fresh breath. But there’s also the not-so-obvious, like keeping your fingernails clean, freshening up the downstairs with baby wipes (especially after a sweaty Roxy’s night) and offering to clean each other up if you get bodily fluids on each other.
**11. Bonus tip: don’t try to choke someone**
Because, generally, when people start feeling a hand wrapped around their throat, their first instinct is to beat the hell out of you, not orgasm.