Let me give it to you straight: despite their name, Insomnia Cookies is not worth staying up all night for.

The Plain White T’s, in their seminal 2008 track “1, 2, 3, 4,” philosophically explained that “There’s only ONE thing, TWO do, THREE words, FOUR you.” Those three words, obviously, are “I love cookies.”

OK, perhaps not. But I do actually love cookies. That’s why I go to Hot Box.

Yes, I’ve tried both Hot Box and its upstart competitor, Insomnia Cookies (which, by the way, is a national chain; Hot Box was started by MU alumni). And there’s a clear winner. Let’s break it down.

Hot Box cookies are nice and chewy, slightly undercooked to the perfect gooey texture.

They’re naturally soft. Even when Hot Box gives away free cookies on campus, the snickerdoodles and M&Ms and oatmeal raisins are nearly as delicious as if I had gone to the store itself. Now, I can’t say the same about Insomnia. I’ve tried the free cookies they give out on campus, and I could taste the fact that they’d been outside. They were consistently harder and lacking in flavor. The cookies I purchased from their store were no different: they were equally unspectacular and underwhelming. You see, when the best part — nay, the only redeeming quality — of a chocolate chip cookie is the chocolate chips, you know there’s a problem there.

So sure, if you want delivery, Insomnia offers a lower minimum order and does not require the purchase of drinks. But if that’s the priority, where are your morals? Stick to your values, dammit! You’re buying cookies. COOKIES are No. 1 here. Hot Box cookies are cheaper and gooier and more flavorful — the winning combination. Hot Box’s store may be a little further from campus, but go there once and you’ll agree it’s well worth the walk. And even if you’re getting Hot Box delivered and potentially have to shell out a little more cash, you’re getting a superior, more satisfying product — plus, if you have extra cookies, you know they’ll still be ahhh-mazing the next day.

In the first stanza of “1, 2, 3, 4,” lead singer Tom Higgenson belts out a couple romantic lyrics about his love interest, who will “Make it all better when I’m feeling sad” and will “Make it feel good when it hurts so bad.” Call me crazy, but I think those describe Hot Box, not Insomnia, to a (plain white) T.