The Grammys have the wonderful power and pleasure of being, simultaneously, America’s most and least relevant music award show. Despite the fact that the voters appear to be out of touch — though in a really abnormal, peculiar “wanting to be hip but failing” sort of way — there really isn’t much competition. So what everyone is left with is a couple hours of TV during which really popular artists perform and then intermittently give awards people will pretend to care about for a week before committing to mental trash bins.

But I’m still in the stage in which I pretend to care. So here are my predictions which, because they’re based on pretty much nothing besides a want for weird things to happen, will likely not come true. But it’s the thought that counts.

First, Skrillex will win every award for which he is nominated. If I’ve learned anything in my year and a half at MU, it’s that the only thing that can be universally agreed upon is how sweet it is when Skrillex makes laser noises with a computer. Because lasers are awesome, and lasers should win a Grammy.

Record of the Year should go to “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” by Kelly Clarkson for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that none of the other songs nominated are even the best on their respective albums. It would seem disingenuous to give anyone the impression that they were somehow the best of the year. Also, that song is really catchy, and Kelly Clarkson is a nice reminder of a time when people thought “American Idol” was cool, which is something I think everyone should be reminded of at least occasionally.

Album of the Year _should_ go to Frank Ocean because _Channel Orange_ is the best album of the year. But it will probably go to Mumford & Sons because people love banjos and accents. fun. could win, but I don’t see it happening. Sometimes the Grammys throw curveballs, though.

fun. will win Best New Artist, despite the fact that they released a studio album in 2009 (apparently to the Grammys, “new” doesn’t mean what it means to everyone else) and should obviously not be eligible. Everyone else is recent enough to deserve it, Frank Ocean being the best of them, but he probably won’t win because the Grammys just want to make me mad.

And that’s pretty much anything anyone really cares about. It’s worth noting that LMFAO is actually nominated for an award, which is probably the most embarrassing thing to happen in American popular culture since that time Justin Timberlake showed everyone Janet Jackson’s nipple. Speaking of which, Justin Timberlake will be performing, and that’s the only truly important thing going on, anyway.