_The writer of this column wishes to remain anonymous due to the nature of the column. The identity of the writer is known to The Maneater and the individual has contributed to the paper in the past._
Going into college, I honestly thought that I would be able to successfully stay in the long-distance relationship I was in prior to moving here. The thought of staying with my boyfriend didn’t seem like a concept that would be challenging. We would both make time in between work to talk. We would also text as frequently as we could and try to FaceTime every night.
Our one year anniversary was August 9, only six days before I had planned on leaving for MU. Ever since I had gotten accepted, everything following seemed to be a dream come true. I had expressed my excitement on more than one occasion. I made sure to send him pictures and videos after I had stayed here for Summer Welcome and introduced him to all my new friends when I started to meet them.
In hindsight, I should have seen the signs. I dismissed his unhappiness for the fear of us being apart since we were already in a long-distance relationship prior to me leaving for MU. He lived an hour or so north of me and I was the one who often had to make time with my hectic schedule. Between working two jobs, school and making time to spend with my friends, balancing everything was hectic.
We had met last summer on a dating app after a particularly uneventful relationship. The feelings just weren’t mutual between myself and the girl I was dating. We both ended on good terms, I wasn’t heartbroken and it was never a serious relationships. None of my relationships were serious, until I met him.
For the sake of confidentiality, for both myself and my ex, I’ll call him A. I am not a forward person but this started off as him getting on OkCupid and messaging me to say he never really was on said app and then giving me his number. I was the one to make the first move, and, of course, I didn’t hesitate to engage in conversation.
Our backgrounds were entirely different; I was going to be a senior in high school that fall and he was going to be a freshman and starting his first semester at a community college nearby. We had none of the same interests, but we had these amazing conversations– our first one on the phone together lasted six hours and I was the happiest I had ever been.
His last relationship had ended two years prior and had gone on for three years. The more we talked, the more I started to find out why it ended and what prompted it. In short, they were both toxic. They both cheated, would spend days ignoring each other and then would come back together like nothing ever happened. I have to admit that it made me apprehensive knowing that he cheated. Once a cheater always a cheater, right? I still decided to give him a chance though, and at that time, I was happy I did.
I met him for the first time two weeks after we started talking. Our first date was taking my sister to her meet-and-greet at her middle school, and then seeing a movie, The Hitman’s Bodyguard. After the movie, I went to the grocery store which I worked at. The store was about to close and I introduced him to some of my co-workers since I often talked about him. We spent that night in bed together, staring up at the ceiling and talking until early in the morning. I didn’t kiss him until before I left for work the next day because I was convinced that this was love and it was the love that I deserved.
The more time we spent together, the more time we spent arguing. The less time we spent together, the more time I wanted to spend on the phone with him. It wasn’t unhealthy at first, but the anger was. He was easily irritated by what I said, resorting to silence and leaving my messages open instead of trying to work with me to solve the problems.
I blamed myself at first. I tried to do everything that I could in order to reconcile with his issues. Financial, emotional, personal and everything that he was trying to figure out, I was trying to help him figure out too. However, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want your help.
I wrestled with guilt for such a long time. I wondered if I could have been better–a better listener, a better empathizer or a better girlfriend. I would have turned the world upside down and inside out to ensure that he was happy, but for every single positive thing I did, he saw two negative things.
On Aug. 30, my entire world came crashing down. It was a phone call of sadness, fear and accusations. He knew exactly what he was doing. He knew what he said and what he did hurt. And he never tried to stop it sooner. He was always aware of how much his words hurt and yet, he let them hit me with the force of bullets.
He would say I was lying about what he said and what he did. He would tell me who I could hang out with. He would say what I could do to my hair or what I could wear. He even told me that I couldn’t have my ears pierced.
I thought we could last the test of college. I thought he would be the man that I would wake up next to every morning. I called him the love of my life– he met my entire family and all my friends. Everyone knew who he was and what he meant to me. And now, today, he isn’t the first or last thought on my mind most days.
I was foolish to have thought that a relationship could last through college, especially when the person I was with wasn’t on the same path I was. We were moving through space and time with two different goals in mind. This was okay, he was my everything while it lasted.
These last two weeks, I have had to build myself up in ways that I have forgotten I was able to do. I have to remind myself that I am here to learn, to build myself into a better person and that eventually, I will find love deserving of my being.
I am not here to say that long-distance relationships are horrible or to discourage anyone from pursuing one. The one I was in made me the happiest I had ever been. But it is extremely hard and there is a lot of commitment and patience. Not talking to them for a few days feels like forever, but when you do see them, it feels like home.
Do not stay in a relationship that destroys you everyday so you must rebuild yourself at night. You should not endure pain and pleasure in the same sentence and by the same person. It is not worth it to be in pain and call it love. I rationalized the treatment for so long and called it love, but now I must mend myself in ways that I never have before.
