Consent is the first step in having a healthy and positive sex life, but many people may struggle to fully comprehend what consent looks like, how to give or receive consent and how to talk to their partner(s) about consent. Sex without consent isn’t sex at all, it is assault.
Even though consent is a vital part of sex, it is not a concept taught in most sex education classes across the nation. In fact, one survey done by Planned Parenthood found that only 25 percent of high school sex ed classes taught students how to give consent and even less than that, 21 percent, taught students how to ask for consent. This lack of education leads many people to be confused over the nuances of consent.
So what exactly is consent? Legally, there is no singular definition as states each have their own definition for it or no definition at all. This leaves consent to be defined socially.
####Planned Parenthood identifies five key factors of consent:####
Freely given. Consent must be given without coercion, pressure or force and while not drunk or high.
Reversible. Any partner can change their mind during any point in any situation.
Informed. Be open and honest about what you want and communicate it with your partner(s).
Enthusiastic. All partners involved must be excited and want to actively participate in any sexual activity that is occurring.
Specific. All partners know the boundaries of the given consent and know that just because someone said yes to one thing, it doesn’t mean yes to something else.
Each of these factors plays an important role in both giving and receiving consent. One must have all five factors in order to have true consent.
One common misconception about asking for consent is that doing so will “ruin the mood.” This is far from the truth. There is an infinite number of ways to ask for consent from blatantly asking, “Do you to consent to…?” to simply asking, “May I do… to you?” Consent can be as sexy as it is mandatory.
Consent does not always have to be verbal either. Consent can be given nonverbally by pulling someone closer, nodding yes, actively touching someone, directing someone’s hand or other body part to somewhere you want to be touched, and so many more ways. Nonverbal consent must contain all the same five factors as verbal consent.
It’s important to note that body language is different for everyone, and while nonverbal communication is a good tool if you are ever unsure about whether or not your partner(s) are consenting or what they are specifically consenting to, it is your responsibility to ask. Even if someone is not actively saying no, they may not want to give consent. Consent cannot be inferred from passivity, silence or lack of resistance.
Saying “no” is always okay. It doesn’t matter if you’ve had sex with someone 1000 times, they said yes yesterday or you’ve been having sex for three hours already— the moment someone says “no,” “stop,” or anything to communicate that they are uncomfortable, you have to stop.
Consent is not only for sexual activity. You need to get consent before engaging in any sort of physical touch with a person. Whether that be asking someone before you dance with them at a party, asking your partner if you can hold their hand or asking a friend if you can hug them, asking someone if you can touch them in any manner establishes that your respect them and their boundaries.
Consent is not optional. Like I said earlier, sex without consent is not sex. It is assault. Being cognizant of how your partner(s) feel, their boundaries and what they are communicating is intrinsic to the nature of engaging in healthy, positive sex.
This is barely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to talking about consent. I urge you to do more research and talk to your partner(s) about what consent means to them. The more you know about consent, how to ask for it and what it does and doesn’t look like, the better able you will be to have a healthy and fulfilling sex life.
_Edited by Siena DeBolt | sdebolt@themaneater.com_