This piece is entirely satirical and includes invented names and facts.
Squirrels around MU’s campus have been keeping themselves hidden for the winter season. The question that arises is: where have they gone? In the past, humans assumed squirrels hibernate for the winter. This is true for most species of squirrels, but Mizzou squirrels — well they are simply built different.
Many of the local squirrels are hungry, cold or searching for acorns and any nuts they can scrounge up within the field of the Quad and any greenery on campus. Scrap, the king of the squirrels, speaks from his throne upon the barren treetops of campus that there is a mass acorn and nut shortage, but many squirrel citizens say the king is lying.
Squirrelock Holmes heard of these grievances and decided to step on the case. An ace detective within the Columbia Squirrel Community, Holmes is known for solving many crimes such as, “The Adventure of the Blue Almonds,” “The Five Orange Pecans” and even “The Chipmunks of Baskerville.”
“It’s clear the entire story isn’t being told,” Holmes said upon the steps of Jesse Hall. “Citizens aren’t allowed under Ellis Library any longer to get resources or extra help anymore. I don’t know, but I find that highly suspicious.”
This is in reference to the January closing of the King’s Ellis Library Acorn Pantry for squirrels left in the lower levels of the library. Citizens haven’t been able to reach out and get resources from their government in order to stay standing, leaving many to go and scavenge for their own.
The King’s Acorn Pantry refuses to comment on the situation.
“It’s outrageous! I have two kits at home and I need the Pantry,” Squirrelantha said. “Me and my neighbors have been sharing the rest of our storage for weeks this winter. The King blames the shortage on the groundhog telling us it’s six more weeks of winter, but that feels like a scapegoat more than anything else.”
Distressed citizens have been starting to band together forming unions against King Scrap in order to make a statement and show the king that they need their food. They’ve started holding meetings within the Student Center, giving protests at Speaker Circle and making it known that as a unified public, they want to know what happened to their food supply.
Squirrelium, alongside Holmes, is one of the founders of the “Throw the Scrap” organization that had formed upon the branches of Columbia.
“We have squirrels protesting daily. Mothers are taking their time roaming the ground for any extra food that can be used to help satisfy our fellow-squirrels,” Squirrlium said. “A lot of our scouts have been going to the university’s Student Recreation Complex and even those gyms that have been advertising upon the human’s Speaker Circle, and have been training to go confront King Scrap.”
Tensions rise on campus as squirrels continue to protest and bring forward their problems to the crown. The only thing left to do is see if they can really “Throw the Scrap,” or if things smooth over.
Edited by Ever Cole | ecole@themaneater.com
