Dating advice: we’ve all given it; we’ve all received it. We gladly hand it out to friends, friends’ friends and the girl in the bathroom we’ve literally never seen before in our life. It’s profound. It means well. It comes from the heart. And 100% of the time, it’s completely useless.

This is where I come in. Welcome to the Cynical Dating Advice Column, where I tell you all the things you don’t want to hear.

Like yes girl, you can pretend it’s not, but having Roman numerals tattooed on the left side of their chest is, in fact, a MAJOR red flag. 

And I know she told you she would love you forever, but she will at one point choose her puppy over you.

Stuff like that.

Send me your dilemma, and I will analyze your situation in depth. I will not tell you how to live your life — if that’s what you’re looking for, please go see a numerologist. But I will do my best to bring new perspectives to whatever you are struggling with, and hopefully it will leave you feeling like you have gotten some sort of advice. Take it or leave it.

Send me your dilemma — anything you could use some down-to-earth-stop-being-so-dramatic-kind of advice on — using the following Google Forms: https://forms.gle/YYoo3Ks6EvFnrTVF9 

You will obviously be anonymous — I ain’t tryna expose anyone. 

You might be left with some questions like: “Why,” “How cynical is it actually” and “Damn, girl, who hurt you?” Send me those as well, and I shall come up with an answer that you can use for whatever purpose you are dreaming of.

XOXO

Your Cynical Dating Advice Columnist

I’m not saying don’t be happy. I’m saying don’t be dumb.

Edited by Ever Cole | ecole@themaneater.com