One morning this week, I found a Dove wrapper on top of my laptop, presumably left there by my darling roommate. It was open to the saying inside, which stated, “Chocolate is always your valentine.” Aww, it’s because I don’t have a real valentine! She’s a sweetheart, isn’t she?

For my convenience, my roommate also happened to leave an entire bag of Dove chocolates open on my desk. If it’s on my property, it becomes my property, right? So for the sole purpose of absorbing more Dove wisdom (and only for that reason, of course), I began to eat through the bag of chocolates. These are a few gems Dove offered me:

1. “Be your own Valentine.” Brilliant. I’ll send myself flowers and buy myself dinner, and myself and I can eat it together at a fancy restaurant and then we can make out later!
2. “Chocolate won’t let you down.” Further proof that Dove is in cahoots with Prozac.
3. “You are the star for which all evenings wait.” That last one was horrible, but you didn’t have to try to make up for it with shameless flattery. Overkill, bro.

And those were the best ones. Although they let me down pretty hard on the inspirational front (they were spot-on in the gaining-seven-pounds department, however), going through all those sayings made me realize so many people are dateless on Valentine’s Day. It’s not just me. Dove makes money off that shit because lonely people need to be consoled.

Single and kissless people, listen up. Valentine’s Day is a glorious thing. I used to pretend I didn’t give a shit. Halfway through the day I’d still be saying, “Oh, Valentine’s Day? Was that today? Huh,” and it would sound just as fake as the first time I said it at 7:30 that morning. After that phase of indifference, I took a feminist’s stance on the holiday. My mantra was, “I am an independent woman, and I don’t need no man! Valentine’s Day? More like Independence Day!” By now, though, I’ve embraced the joys of Valentine’s Day. And it’s freaking fun to prepare.

First up is the playlist of the day. I usually make a few of them, but the ironic one is always my favorite — you need something to listen to halfway through the day when you get bored with all the mush. Some of this year’s selections include:

1. “Dead Hearts” – Stars
2. “Die Die Die” – Avett Brothers
3. “No Children” – The Mountain Goats
4. “Eleanor Rigby” – The Beatles
5. “Vomit” – Girls
6. Several different versions of “Creep” – Radiohead

Next is the wardrobe. I usually wake up early enough to curl my hair and throw on my favorite (seasonable) dress. All those suckers out there need to know what they’re missing.

Now, what to do? After traipsing around campus looking totally hot and jamming to the best Valentine’s Day tunes, I like to return home, order enough Chinese food for three people and watch “Fatal Attraction” while eating myself into a coma. I’m just going to ignore the obvious repercussions of this kind of behavior and say “Fatal Attraction” is the absolute best Valentine’s Day movie for single people. Avoid all the mushy romcoms, they’ll just depress you. Glenn Close makes me grateful every year for my lack of a significant other. There’s nothing like a (spoiler alert) boiled bunny to make you feel good about your life.

Instead of being desperate for a date, I’m going to take Feb. 14 off. I’ll use it not to search for my first kisser, but to celebrate the single life. If I had a date, I wouldn’t be able to power through two cartons of fried rice without feeling self-conscious about it. And that would just be a shame.

It’s so much fun to make Valentine’s Day your own. Everyone’s romantic situation calls for a different kind of celebration. Don’t let the lack of a significant other get in your way. Celebrate the way you want to. It’s Valentine’s Day for everyone – even the kissless.