There are wonderful things that come with having too many gay friends, like extremely blunt fashion advice, guy-dishing and a workout buddy less capable of figuring out the machines than you are (it makes me feel so competent at the gym). But there are also definite downsides. If you’re looking for your gay best friend, please take note. Weigh the pros and cons before you jump into a commitment you can’t handle.
Too many GBFs means overexposure to Lady Gaga, taking about seven pictures every time you go out until one is deemed acceptable and embarrassment at Starbucks when your “date’s” coffee order is so complicated the barista has to write it down. The worst secondhand gay experience, though, is the possibility of exposure to the dirty world of Grindr.
Think shameless Facebook stalking. Then add a shameless hookup and you’ll have the Grindr app. I’m not saying it’s not ingenious — the Grindr iPhone app detects other gay people in your immediate area and shows you their profiles, allowing you to “chat” with them. Basically, the entire premise of the app is to cut out the pre-hookup dance. There’s no across-the-room eye contact. There are no euphemisms, no small talk. These guys cut to the chase. At least, the guys I’ve come in contact with do. From what I’ve gathered, conversations usually go straight from “hey” to “my place, 8 p.m.?”
In order to study up on the Grindr phenomenon, I had to make my own profile. Can’t knock it before you try it, right? I used a heinous picture of my friend right after we dyed his hair bright red (he doesn’t go here, I’m not that mean) and my bio was something along the lines of, “just looking for some fun, LOL!!11!”
People talked to me. All they had to go on was my location, that ridiculous picture and a poorly constructed and grammatically incorrect sentence, and they talked to me. My thoughts, in order, after five different guys messaged me within the hour: A) They should totally have this for straight people! B) Wait, no, this is so weird and creepy, C) I could troll people so hard with this thing, D) You could, like, lure people to places and murder them this way. This is messed up.
Not every gay guy uses Grindr, and there haven’t been any Grindr murders that I know of, if you were curious. But that’s getting off track. My whole experience with Grindr was unsettling, but I learned a lot in the two and a half days I used the app (other than the fact that gay guys flock to my charm and charisma, which I already knew).
First, it might seem indirect and like a waste of time, but the chase is the best part of a potential relationship. Cutting that out makes a developing relationship as dull and predictable as the date of your economics final. The whole “Maybe he likes me, maybe he doesn’t, but he texted me ahh!” thing, though sometimes awkward and uncomfortable, is part of a relationship. I don’t know if I would be willing to get rid of that completely.
Second, I have so many options. If there are enough gay guys in my vicinity to have my pick, and about 10 percent of the general population is gay, then there are nine times as many straight guys in my area. And that assumes all gay guys have a Grindr. If you account for half those straight guys being attached, then you’ve still got… a bunch of guys. My case is not hopeless!
My Grindr experience, though a little unnerving, actually ended up a positive one. All my gay friends manage to find dates, and there are so few of them! If they can do it, so can I. It might involve a bit of a chase, but I’d prefer that to a text message. I have a huge pool of guys to choose from, and it’s time to start looking.
