I was just cozying up to a plate of homemade cookies and my good friend Netflix during spring break (wild, I know) when a drunken text message from Romeo ASKED ME OUT. I knew this kid was a class act.

Not only did Romeo propose we go out, but he endearingly called me “soooo weird” and sent eight more long, responseless text messages. Boys, pack your bags. I think I found the one.

Naturally, I said yes. He’s not exactly charming, but maybe he’s just shy! And how will I know if I don’t go? So I penciled “LOL date” into my calendar and found myself an adorable dress. If my first kisser isn’t exactly what I was hoping for, at least I’ll look damn cute.

While Romeo was amusing me with incessant text messages over break, I was hanging out with my good friends Jason Segel and Neil Patrick Harris. Most kids spent their week off on a faraway beach, soaking up the sun (Like Sheryl Crow! Did you know she’s an MU graduate? She is). But six seasons of “How I Met Your Mother” later, I’m so pale I sparkle in the sunlight. Vampirism is the hip new thing, right?

In the series, future Ted Mosby narrates for his kids the story of, as you would expect, how he met their mother. Seven seasons in and we still don’t have any answers. Ted either hasn’t heard of the inverted pyramid writing style (facts up front, details later) or he’s just really terrible at relationships. I’m pretty sure it’s a combination of the two.

I fancy myself a decent storyteller, but Ted and I are eerily similar in the relationship department. In one episode in the series, Ted gets desperate and goes to a matchmaker. She calculates his possible romantic interests in New York City, and after enough math to make my Englishy brain spin (subtraction is hard), she comes up with eight possibilities.

Since I’m sure the “HIMYM” crew tested the matchmaker’s algorithm for accuracy and validity, I decided to try it out on MU’s population.

1. 26,024 MU undergraduates x 46 percent (male population) = 11,971 guys
2. Now, we need to subtract the 48 percent (according to “HIMYM”) that are already in relationships, so we’re down to 6,225.
3. Then, we’ve got to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility, so we’re at 3,112.
4. Statistically, about 2 percent of those guys are gay, so after subtracting them, we’re down to 3,050.
5. Now, Ted has to account for his numerous exes, but I have none! The benefits of the single life are numerous.

According to the incredibly reliable “HIMYM” algorithm, I have 3,050 first-kiss candidates at MU. Poor Ted. I’ve outdone him.

In Ted’s case, though, the audience knows the ending is a happy one. Ted has kids! He has a wife! Everything works out eventually. It’s the middle that’s unsure. I don’t have a future Emma to reassure me that I find someone.

If the algorithm has any validity, though, I have so many options. Ted spends so much time in the series looking for “the one.” This whole “soul mate” idea seems so illogical. Everyone has to have several compatible partners. What am I supposed to do if my “one” is a Japanese pop star? I mean, that would be the best and I absolutely would not complain, but I probably wouldn’t ever meet the guy. I need some cute mid-Missourians as well.

Although I’m not quite sure about Romeo, there are plenty of guys out there I have yet to meet, and I bet there are some I’d be really happy with. I only have a few columns left, so it’s time to amp it up. And if I don’t snag my first kiss by the time this column is over, I’d better do it before Ted finds his wife. Let’s race, Ted. It’s on.