Thanks to the likes of Cosmo, Gossip Girl and the wide, wonderful world of porn, we have it ingrained in our minds that between-the-sheets-on-a-mattress-horizontal sex is for dweebs. And since my goal with this column is to shed insight on important matters of all things sex, I’d like to take a pause from discussing STDs, abortion and Plan B in order to argue just as seriously that bed sex is supremely underrated, and you shouldn’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Bed sex is the bomb. There are nightstands nearby to hold food. There are lots of pillows. There are basketball shorts and T-shirts on hand to snuggle in for hours. Typically, there is a bathroom in walking-in-your-underwear distance. And once everyone’s done the deed and basking in afterglow, you can roll over and fall asleep. There is no better physical position to be in as a member of the human race.
And while I am all for mixing things up, getting out of my comfort zone and generally staying hip and with it, I just want to bring up a few personal case studies to prove bed sex is way underrated.
**Hot tub sex**
In case you didn’t get this out of your system on your high school post-prom night or whatever, or you think that steaming bubbles seem sexy, let me just say two words: chlorine rash. Plus, hot water and jets will wash away your natural lubrication, so doing it in a hot tub will actually lead to more friction — not so much the O-inducing kind, but the jumping-down-a-dry-waterslide kind. Yeah.
There are all these myths about how the hot water kills sperm, but don’t believe it for a second. Obviously, you should wear a condom (also because hot tubs tend to be less than sanitary), but there’s also the problem of chlorine and chemicals actually degrading latex. So all in all, hot tub sex is just kind of sucky and not the aquatic adventure in the slightest.
**Camping sex**
I get it — you’re in the great outdoors, you’re feeling super primal, and you want to get it on underneath your nylon tent. But the downsides to camping sex are plentiful. If you’re camping with a group, there’s literally just no way to be quiet. There are rocks and sticks lurking underneath your sleeping bag, just waiting to give someone a spinal injury. It’s usually really effing cold or really effing humid. And after the, uh, marshmallow’s been toasted, someone usually has to spoil the afterglow magic by throwing on clothes, finding a place outside to pee, appeasing the UTI gods and praying bears don’t seek out sexed-up humans to eat.
**Shower sex**
From “Scandal” to “500 Days of Summer,” shower sex looks like a really great idea. Because, you know, you get clean and dirty at the same time…_wink wink, nudge nudge._
But in real life, the only kind of couples out there who could enjoy shower sex to its fullest are ones that are perfectly proportioned to each other. Usually one is also super buff and has grippy pads built into their feet.
The truth is that humans are slippery-ass mofos in a shower, so trying to hold someone against the wall, or holding onto something as your lover gets down to business, is impossible. You slip and fall, and it will not be as cute as Zooey Deschanel makes it look. And as we mentioned earlier, water plus chemicals (including shampoo and bath oils) just don’t mix with condoms.
**Car sex**
Disclaimer: I’ve never had car sex. I can’t even take a nap comfortably in the back of most cars, and the idea of getting hot and heavy while avoiding seat belt clips and the smell of old chip bags just isn’t striking to me. But maybe you’ll have to prove me wrong.
**Couch sex**
I said earlier there’s nothing better than bed sex, but if anything’s going to be a close second, it’s actually couch sex. Once you figure out a few positions where both parties are nicely propped up, you can go for hours. Goodbye, tired arms. Hello, nirvana. But also, hello, angry roommate whose dad bought the couch.
