After a sorrowful week with no Bachelorette, we finally figure out what the show is like without Chad. In a weird, slightly funny memorial, the remaining boys toss Chad’s protein powder in the air like they are tossing his ashes, saying a farewell to their bulky enemy. Wells kicks the protein powder jar into the woods as a montage of Chad coming back to the house like a serial killer plays between scenes.
When Chad arrives to the house, Daniel asks him “How was your date?” and honestly I could not tell if he was legitimately asking or if he was just trying to play to Chad’s rage. (Raising another question: Why is Daniel so irrelevant and yet still on the show?)
Daniel stands in the back eating (another memorial to Chad?) and Evan asks Chad if he has his wallet in order to pay for Evan’s shirt that he ripped a few episodes back. Chad gets somewhat justifiably indignant and asks Evan if he’s really “that poor.” Jordan and some of the other guys try and calm Chad down and the scene ends, what is hopefully a farewell to Chad permanently. Except, of course, you can catch his antics on this next season of “Bachelor in Paradise.”
Can't believe those dudes wasted perfectly good protein #TheBachelorette
Story continues below advertisement— Chad Johnson (@1ChadJohnson) June 21, 2016
Ughh the producers take our phones, so I didn't get to see my daily reminder on my iPhone LoL #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/0Wqd7Yv0mJ
— Chad Johnson (@1ChadJohnson) June 23, 2016
Alex comes back to the mansion conveniently after Chad has departed and the boys hoist him up on their shoulders and scream about how great he is for being the “slayer of the dragon.” It’s all a bit dramatic, but then again, we are watching “The Bachelorette.”
Then it’s finally for the cocktail party. In an odd prop set up, Chase and JoJo climb inside large blow-up hamster balls and run into each other, and Robby and JoJo go out to the wishing well and he tells her his wish — that they would get engaged. I’ve been told that telling your wish won’t make it come true, but I guess we’ll see how Robby fares later this season. Luke tells JoJo he’s falling for her in a very corny, awkward moment, but JoJo is nice about it and gets all emotional about Luke’s feelings. It’s clear at this point that the boys are flaunting their emotions in order to get JoJo to be more interested, but that’s usually how this show goes.
Evan, who my friend says is the token narrator of the group, says that without a common enemy among the boys, all the big contenders have turned into “mini Chads.” I think everyone at this point knows that Evan looks like a street magician who really doesn’t have a chance against the others, but JoJo keeps some people around just to broaden the character pool.
Jordan and JoJo go into the other room, and he pushes her up against the wall for a short make-out session. It’s all very romantic before the rose ceremony, where JoJo sends James F. and Daniel packing.
In his super-weird sendoff interview, Daniel says that JoJo was clearly going for personality because if it was based on looks, he would be staying. He also says that his chances with JoJo were like “getting struck by lightning while… shaving my face.” For James F.’s case, he wrote a little too much corny poetry for me.
JoJo then announces that they’re all going to Uruguay. When they get there, Jordan has the date card and all the boys pick another common enemy: Jordan. They talk about him and all agree that he’s on the show for the wrong reasons.
JoJo takes Jordan to make out on a boat and swim with some seals — straddling him even though he’s treading water — and the boys discover the wonder of magazine gossip as Vinny cuts their hair in the hotel room. They read an InTouch article about JoJo’s ex, Chad, who claims that she never loved Ben and that they were dating the entire time she was on The Bachelor.
Showing their gullible side, the boys believe the gossip and start to talk about doubting JoJo, even as the next date card comes for Chase, Evan, Derek, Luke, Vinny, Wells, Grant and Alex. Back at the date with Jordan, JoJo asks him about rumors that he’s been a bad, noncommitted boyfriend in the past. Jordan drops a sentiment about his pastor and says that he’s “falling in love” with JoJo. He also says that while, yes, he wasn’t a good boyfriend at the time, it was because he was too career focused and now, he is ready to be in a long term relationship.
Despite the drama, I still think Jordan is the season’s biggest contender. JoJo and him make out in the street before she is crushed back in the interview when a producer gives her the InTouch and lets her know that all the men have also read it. And then she proceeds to prove that even hysterically sobbing, she looks better than most everyone.
In a cute outfit and no shoes, JoJo heads up to talk to the men and cry about how bad that time in her life was. Apparently she just can’t get away from people named Chad who try to do obnoxious things to her. She reassures the group and then asks Jordan if he’s seen it, which he hasn’t, but he tells her it’s not a big deal. Really, she seems more concerned with what Jordan thinks than the rest of the group but she has to feign impartiality at this point to keep the drama going.
Robby and Jordan go to the spa together as the rest of the boys go sandboarding with JoJo. The group date is extremely awkward because Derek, who I forgot existed until now, gets super jealous about JoJo interacting with other men. So, he apparently has no idea he’s on “The Bachelorette.” JoJo gives Derek the rose for “reassurance” and Alex gets agitated because he thinks JoJo, at this point in the game, doesn’t need to do anything for pity.
The one-on-one date card arrives and it’s for Robby, and he thinks that it’s time to let America know “who’s really in love with JoJo.” Talking to America on this show is awkward and too reminiscent of something people say before they’re about to go through an “American Ninja Warrior” course, but whatever.
Robby comes down the beach for their one-on-one exploring Uruguay. Food truck workers ask Robby if JoJo and him are going to get married, and Robby says in broken Spanish that it’s “very posible.” They cliff jump and JoJo unnecessarily freaks out about it, and then they make out in the water.
Back at the hotel, Chase and Alex talk to Derek about his pity rose, and Derek talks about how he thinks they have a “Mean Girls” vibe. It’s all a little much, but the drama needs to keep rolling.
Then, it happens, Robby tells JoJo that he has fallen in love with her. Even though he broke up with his last girlfriend six months ago, somehow he’s now completely in love with JoJo. Which probably has nothing to do with the TV cameras and the fact that the next Bachelor is still up in the air. Then Robby says that if love is “there on one side, it’s there on the other,” which I don’t think is how love works. (See: Jacob from Twilight, Forrest Gump.) JoJo thanks him and then they go and watch some fireworks as JoJo is now, according to Robby, on the path to loving him back.
The next day at the cocktail party, Derek pulls Jordan, Robby, Alex and Chase outside to discuss their newly formed “high school clique.” Jordan says that it’s not the night for this and Alex thinks Derek’s just being sensitive. Chase blows the whole thing off and despite Derek’s objections, the boys head back inside, where Luke tries to figure out what happened in the secret meeting.
Chris Harrison interrupts everyone to say that JoJo has made up her mind, and three men will be going home sans cocktail party. She gives roses to Luke, Chase, Alex, James and Wells, sending Evan, Grant and Vinny packing. Vinny is probably the biggest loss on that one, and his post-ceremony interview is pretty emotional.
Still, my new picks for the final are Jordan, Chase and Robby. I don’t like the inclusion of Robby in this, but I think JoJo seems to really like him. If it were a perfect world, James T. and Jordan would be the top two, but I think sweet James T. will be sent packing sometime soon, just because he’s a little too nice. But then again, “The Bachelorette” can catch anyone off guard. We’ll see what happens next week, where JoJo apparently doesn’t want to give out the rose at all. Stay tuned, drama-loving friends.
