At the end of a long day, with an aching body from sitting in class for too long, and mind awhirl in history textbooks, nothing brightens my mood more than cursing. No, I don’t perch on my rooftop and spout off remedial expletives. The neighbors might not like that, though I do live on East Campus.
I’m talking about Gordon Ramsay, Britain’s most outspoken and talented chef and host/judge/reason to watch Fox’s “fine” dining reality show “Hell’s Kitchen.” Ramsay deliciously abuses the poor contestants on the program — most of which probably don’t know salt from pepper, and were most likely found in a mall somewhere by the casting directors — with his sharp-as-a-steak-knife tongue. The juxtaposition of the culinary insubordinate and Ramsay’s foul mouth make for some excellent television — and dinnertime entertainment.
After preparing my anything-but-exquisite macaroni and cheese with hot dogs meal, I let the stress of the day vanish by watching Ramsay verbally whiplash young chefs. This isn’t some type of weird masochism. Sometimes I just like to know that other people have had a stressful day. And having a red-faced Brit call you every insulting name, from “donut” to “donkey” and worse, certainly qualifies for a bad day.
In a strange reversal, the stress others feel relieves mine.
YouTube season 1 of “Hell’s Kitchen,” which aired in 2005, to see Ramsay at his finest. Andrew, the first unfortunate contestant to present his food to Ramsay, received the iconic line that had me hooked on the show. Ramsay tasted the dish, a plateful of penne and vegetables, then promptly spit out the pasta and proclaimed, with not so much as a hint of hesitation, “That was absolute dog sh*t.” Classic.
Since then, Ramsay has tasted everything from an entire Cornish hen stuffed inside a pumpkin to gumbo that had an eerie resemblance to a bowl of mud. As a result, the curses keep coming, as do my view total of episode reruns on YouTube.
Akin to Ramsay in both vocal sassiness and hairstyle is queen of the courtroom, Judge Judy Scheindlin. This seasoned judge rules her courtroom with a nimble mind and quicker tongue. She often points this out, motioning around the room as a warning to mouthy defendants, saying, “This is my playpen, my rules.” And Scheindlin’s rules involve a lot of personal jabs at the intelligence of the trailer trash litigants who maybe aren’t the sharpest knives in the puppy.
Watching the painfully lopsided interactions between the sassy and the, shall I say slow, help me unwind. And I for one, eat it up like I would Ramsay’s signature scallops appetizer. Scheindlin’s greatest rant happened when a stepfather used his stepdaughter’s college grant to buy new rims for his car.
Scheindlin screamed, “The government doesn’t spend $2,500 on your rims. Do you get that?”
The audience applauded, and I snickered.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I patrol YouTube in search of the sassiest, rudest and, frankly, meanest celebrity encounters. Sure, it’s a little off-kilter to think of it as catharsis, but watching the famous humiliate the ordinary with his or her quick wit and unrelenting cruelty helps me get through the slog of the school year.
