Vampire… That name used to mean something. I mean, it still does, obviously, but the word triggers a whole new range of responses nowadays. Now, if I just were to randomly whisper “vampire” in conversation, two things would probably happen: a) people would ask me, “Oh gawd, vampires? You’re talking about vampires? Don’t even talk to me about vampires…” or b) they’d pause for a second, clock their head sideways and ask, “Wait, do you read ‘Twilight’?” There’s also a small chance they might bring up “True Blood,” but those are slim pickings (sorry, HBO contemporaries).
But what I’m getting at here is that something terrible has happened to everyone’s perception of vampires. It’s like Dracula slept with the town slut, got a couple STIs and then The New York Times did some huge front-page expose on how you really need to avoid him now. And though there’s a portion of the population that suddenly finds this sudden humanization of Dracula sexy, in a weird, angst-y kind of way, everyone else basically just thinks that he’s this trashy guy that only people of low-level intelligence associate with. Basically, it sucks to be a vampire nowadays.
And let me add that when I say Dracula, I am speaking about vampires in general. Dracula is just, like, the president of vampires (CNN did a thing about the vampire election process a while back. I’m pretty sure it’s still a seniority rule kind of deal. A little outdated if you ask me, but whatever).
Anyway, when I was 10 — and I don’t mean this to be a ramble-y, back-in-my-day rant — but back when I was 10, a vampire wasn’t something the public generally disregarded for tween-fluff or snuff programing, but something my parents desperately warned me about. It was almost as if they thought vampires actually existed. “They are evil,” they would explain. “And we don’t want to surround ourselves with things that aren’t good for the soul, right, Joel?”
“Right,” I would quickly assure them all big-eyed and dazzled at their vast wisdom, and then I promptly walked over to my neighbors’ to watch “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” because those vampires were evil incarnates, and because I loved everything my parents warned me about. I mean, in the end, Buffy and all her pals pretty much always won the battle against those “evil” vampires, but man, those vampires helped make some of the best television that’s ever graced TV.
But that’s a thing of the past. The modern day definition of a vampire is no longer an evil mother-sucker out to murder, maim and take over the world, but someone out merely to survive and maybe romance a woman or two, which is almost sweet. But in terms of decent, “Nosferatu”-style villains having credibility? Those days are gone. The excellent recent remake, “Fright Night,” which turned Colin Farrell into “Jerry,” a hilarious, cold-blooded vampire, made a little less than $10 million on its first weekend, where “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” raked in $68.8 million on its opening weekend.
The game has changed, and maybe it’s for the best. I mean, vampires have never really been this financially successful, and that’s great for them I guess. But for me, that little kid who stayed up to 3 a.m. to watch the TBS version of “Blade,” I’m just stuck watching reruns of “Buffy” on Netflix.
R.I.P. Dracula.
