_Kennedy Horton is a sophomore at MU studying English. She is an opinion columnist who writes about student life, social justice and being an introvert for The Maneater._
Some of us are people-pleasers; it’s a blessing and a curse. It’s nice to be that person who is always readily available and reliable, but it can become mentally, emotionally and physically taxing. I often find myself involved in unwanted plans, up late in unwanted conversations and stressed out by others’ problems. It’s a serious problem that ties you to either the guilt of saying no to someone or the burden of saying yes when you didn’t want to.
People-pleasing is a legitimate issue, perhaps stemming from a lack of self-confidence and a need for outward validation. We hate to tell people no, because we don’t want to be perceived as selfish or lazy.
For some reason, I have always felt like I have a duty to the people who request my time and energy. I’m constantly telling myself that if they didn’t need me, they wouldn’t reach out to me. If I needed somebody, I would want them to be there for me, so I should do the same. This is not a realistic mindset, and despite what a people-pleaser may think, it is not egotistical to take care of yourself.
You know how when you’re on an airplane and they tell you that if the oxygen masks drop, you should secure yours first before helping the person next to you? Well, airlines didn’t make that up — that’s more or less how we’re supposed to operate in real life.
That’s not to say your life must be perfect before you can help anyone else, because that will never happen. More so, it is increasingly difficult to continually put another person’s weight on your shoulders when you have not yet shouldered your own weight.
I’m guilty of putting myself on the back burner in a lot of my friendships. I accuse myself of not being a true friend when I don’t pick up the phone or take a raincheck on dinner plans. If I’m on the phone with a friend, I’ll stay on for hours until they’re ready to get off. If a friend and I are regularly eating dinner at a place I hate, I’ll continue eating there until the end of time because they like it. Most of the time my friends don’t know because I just don’t say anything. That’s why communication is so important.
There’s no need to fear being disliked or cut from a friendship for taking time for yourself. If a “friend” has an issue with that, then the relationship probably needs a check-up. Your friends should want the best for you and should want to compromise with you for the sake of the friendship. The chance of them ending the friendship over being told “no” is slim; they’re more likely to be thinking about who they’ll ask next rather than how to take anything out on you. People are almost always thinking about and reacting to themselves.
Realize that you are your own friend. Understand that you cannot do it all. Give yourself a break. Start small, and remind yourself that being assertive doesn’t mean being aggressive. Most importantly, be honest with the people you care about.
When you bite off more than you can chew, it typically results in everyone’s time being wasted. I’ve been there. It’s no fun, and it brings up the hurt feelings I was trying to prevent in the first place. I’m still learning, but I’d like to think I’m getting better. Maybe I’ll always be a people-pleaser and maybe that’s OK, as long as one of those people I’m pleasing is me.
