Happy crying tears

Ever since I was young
For as long as I can remember
I’ve been a happy crier
Ever since I was young.

In kindergarten
At a Christmas concert
The candles lit up
My tears cascade down
Ever since I was young.

I was only 6 then
I’m 19 now
So what’s the excuse?
Got no pride left to lose
What can I say now?

I get so tired of waiting
For what I want most
For the life of my dreams
I’m falling apart, it seems
Not much left to do now.

I’ve been crying tears of joy
They fall down my cheeks
I can’t help but feel these feelings I’ve been feelin’ for weeks
It’s the same old bitter sweet, same old melancholy
Happy crying tears.

I’ve been crying tears of joy over the smallest of things
Just when the music consumes me
I find it so moving
It’s the same old bitter sweet, same old melancholy
Happy crying tears.

Life’s been so confusing
I feel so blessed
But it’s been so hard
I can’t help but feel scarred
Life is so confusing.

I think about the future
And performing for a big crowd
And those thoughts get so loud
But honestly
I can’t help but like the world I’m living in right now.

Crying happy tears
Happy crying tears.

I look around at everything that I’ve ever wanted
All my dreams and hopes for love
It’s mine
I got it.

I’m so grateful for my friends
And for my family too
Still, I get so depressed
Over what I have been through.

I know down deep
There’s still so much more out there for me
So much more to want
So much more to be
It’s depressing
And it’s exciting.

So I’ll cry my happy tears
Let them fall down
Let me drown in all the feelings I’ve been holding in for weeks
It’s the same old bitter sweet, same old melancholy.

Happy crying tears
Happy crying tears.

The jump

Why is taking chances so hard?
Because I want to
But I just can’t
I shouldn’t even try
But there’s not a single reason why.

I could just go for it and see
And forget the thoughts within
All’s well that ends well
But where would I begin?

I’ve got nothing to lose these days
Yet I’m scared of the takeaway
How can I be satisfied
If I can never even say that I tried?
The Fantasy plays on a repeating track
But something’s always holding me back.

I’ve had everything figured out this far
Except for taking the risk
I shouldn’t even try
But is that what I’ll regret before I die?

Everything in me wants to run
I’d run straight to you
Into your arms,
If only I could let go
For once, I might drown the alarms.

I’ve got nothing to lose these days
Yet I’m still scared of the takeaway
How could you be satisfied
If I can never even say that I tried?
Your Fantasy plays on a repeating track
But something’s always holding me back.

Instead of jumping, I’ll run through all the memories
Every moment
Every word that was said
I’ll take them all and think of them
And maybe then
I can finally say goodbye to awkward conversations
Instead I’ll drown in what could’ve been.

There’s nothing to lose these days
So I can’t be scared of the takeaway
How can one be satisfied
If they can never even say they tried?
Though the Fantasy plays on a repeating track
This time
This time
There can’t be something holding me back.

After all
How can one be satisfied
If they can never say they tried?

Home

Build me a house made of stone
With vines growing up the side
So as I’m yours
Hold me close
I am yours
I am home.

How can I live without you?
Am I supposed to live without you?
I don’t know
I don’t know.

If the saying goes “my love, my life”
How can you have your own goals, your own fight?
I don’t know
I don’t know.

I said you’re my world
He said you’re my home.

I am home
You are home.

Light posts

When I was younger, I would sit and draw light posts
I admired how they stood there just to shine
Shining a light for people walking
Passing by.

Now that I’m older, I drive and see the streetlights
But they’ve changed from how they were before
The streets aren’t orange anymore.

Only the bridge remains the same as it was
But it won’t be long until it’s different too
This town is changing without me
Well I’m moving on too
As I leave, it looks different
As I look different too.

I’ll leave and never look back
Though if I looked back
All I’d see are the white glowing street lights
Hanging over me.

I’ll leave and never come back
Though I want to
It’s not the same as I once knew.

These days I sit and try forgetting
About the world, its cruel, cruel ways
I push off the childhood memories that just won’t go away.

I’ve always kept that part of me private
Why should I keep quiet
What I’ve been through?
It’s such a shame what we go through
To have to face the memories of our weakness to get through
What have I been through?

Wish I could leave and never look back
Yet when I look back all I’ll see
Is the black fog of regret hanging over me.

I’d leave and never come back
But when I look up and see
The face that hurt me all those years ago, I can’t seem to breathe
Why’d you do this to me?
Why’d you do this to me.

Growing up’s a snake when you’re forced to do it fast
So instead of running away
I’ll stay, I can last.

I leave and never look back
When I look back all I see
Are street lights, and light posts
Shining over me.

I’ll leave and never come back
I’ll never come back
Never come back
Never.

A song for a friend

If you really missed me you would understand,
That how you really treated me
Was not how you should treat a friend
I feel comfort in the fact that you know what you’re missing
But am I just supposed to drop everything I went through
To forgive you?

I felt like your pet
Though he got more attention
And though you won’t care
I thought it’d be worth it to mention,

You act as if everyone else matters
So much more than me
That I really didn’t matter at all
At all
At all.

Every time I would try to talk to you
You wouldn’t even make eye contact
You’d switch the conversation
Make some stupid excuse
I don’t care if he’s your main act.

I’d convinced myself
It’s not really your fault
That because you care too much
You couldn’t possibly know.

But I’m grown and know now
You needed someone to make you look tall
Was it worth the light you sucked from my soul?

You act as if everyone else mattered but me
That I really don’t matter at all
At all.

As my fire was going out
You could never talk to me
Tell me before the end about why
Why couldn’t you talk to me at all
At all?

Sometimes I think about the song I used to cry about you to
How could you dare make me feel so small?

A small get-together

She wasn’t supposed to host the party
It wasn’t hers
And neither was he.

He played pong all night like it was her heart
He got there early
He didn’t have a clue.

He thought she could handle it
She thought she could handle it.

They’re all over each other again
On his lap, she’s laughing
She’d said that it ended.

Meanwhile, someone’s crying
His life isn’t what he thought it’d be
So he confided.

He thought she could handle it
She thought he could handle it.

She couldn’t handle it
They couldn’t handle it.

The girl on the bed
The guy in the yard
The couples who didn’t want to be there
The couples who really didn’t care
Who was watching.

I know they didn’t mean it.

I know he didn’t mean it.

No one ever means it
I guess.

The room

I can be anything
So why would I want to be back here?
Where everything is simple
Nothing makes a difference
Everything is simple
I want to go away
I want to go away.

How’d we get alone in this room?
It’s nothing to you
Because nothing here is simple.

You say you hate this life
You can’t even look me in eyes
Without laughing
But why did I cry?
Why did I cry?

You say you can’t decide if you’re who they say
Or if you are something else completely different
You think I’ve got it all together?
Nothing is together ever.

You say you can’t sell this life that you play
That’s it’s all a game
You’re not okay
It’s different
You need to get yourself together
Nothing is together
But nothing is forever.

It feels like it’s the end
But You and I both know and can see
That This is the beginning
It’s really pretty simple
It’s just the beginning
You wanna get away, you can’t quite get away
Why won’t you go away?

I can’t be in this room
I just can’t look at you
I can’t be in this room.

Don’t make me look at you.
I can’t be in this room
I just can’t look at you
I just can’t look
Anymore.

Edited by Savvy Sleevar | ssleevar@themaneater.com
Copy edited by Mary Philip