A few weeks ago, I wrote about [getting chlamydia,](https://www.themaneater.com/stories/2014/9/16/i-got-chlamydia-definitely-didnt-die/) and how — just as a refresher — I didn’t die. And while chlamydia is a complete breeze to diagnose and treat, I’d rather you, darling reader, not go through the kind of guilty-ridden mental psychosis it provoked, or the awkward _“Hey, recent ex of mine, just dropping a casual line to recommend you get your peen checked out”_ conversations, if you can.
So while technically, the biggest mistake you could make when it comes to STD testing is to not get tested, I’m assuming the general goal here is to learn from my silly let’s-be-careless-about-condoms mistakes here, so we’re taking this a step further.
The most important thing I want you to know when it comes to getting tested for STDs is this: Do not go to the MU Student Health Center.
Do not. Trust me, I love the Student Health Center with all my heart. There are not many other entities in the world that will let me student-charge some Suave conditioner and listen to me fret over WebMD’s assertion that I have five tumors. The doctors and nurses are professional and wonderful, and their after-hours on-call nurses are secretly angels whose pearly feathers you can almost hear flapping over the phone.
But if you are planning on getting screened for Sexually Transmitted Anything, or you suspect you might have an infection, try as hard as you can not to be lured by the easy convenience (and free condoms) there. If you do, the whole testing experience will be fine: You’ll get any medicine you need, and all will be well. But then, a week or so later, you will receive a bill in the mail for undisclosed “lab fees,” for approximately $248.54.
(This is the part where you need to stop and think very hard about the address you asked to be listed under at the Student Health Center, because as bad as the above scenario sounds, imagine if said bill was sent to your parents’ house.)
That bill was the very, very hard way I learned that gonorrhea and chlamydia labs cost about $124 each. Not only did my health insurance refuse to pay any of it, but since it was a bill from MU Health Care, I couldn’t student-charge it and act like it was a premium strep throat test when my parents looked at the monthly statement.
In the end, I called my mother and sent her the bill, but only after dialing up the MU Health Care and grilling a woman on the line about whether or not my mother was legally allowed to ask what kind of “lab fee” this was (she’s not). Only after this crash course in medical record access and then some really awful lying to my mother did things finally resolve themselves.
There are a lot of lessons to draw from this, ranging from “try to have a normal relationship with your mom where the word ‘sex’ can come up once in a while,” to “make room in your personal budget for STD tests.”
And let that final one be your take home: Do not ever pay $248 for an STD test. Instead, make use of one of these amazing and infinitely cheaper resources:
Take advantage of the MIZ-GYT events held by Student Health Center’s free and confidential STI testing program. They’ll check you for chlamydia, gonorrhea and HIV in the Student Center in room 2206. The downside is that these events only happen semi-monthly — Nov. 5 and 19 and Dec. 3 are the last dates for this semester.
RAIN (originally founded as the Regional AIDS Interfaith Network) offers free screenings for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. They’ll also screen you for Hepatitis B and C for $10-12, and herpes for $45. All tests are available on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Check their website [missourirain.org](http://www.missourirain.org/index.php/screenings) for specific testing times and to schedule an appointment online.
[The Boone County Health Center](https://www.gocolumbiamo.com/Health/Clinic_and_Nursing/STD/) offers STD screening clinics every Tuesday from 5-7 p.m. If you bring an MU student ID or have proof that you live in Boone County, it costs $20 to get screened for chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, venereal warts, HIV, syphilis, Hepatitis B and more. Get there early to get a “ticket” to be one of the first in line. You can also call and make an appointment if the clinic time doesn’t work.
Go forth. Get tested. Be safe, but also be smart.
Love,
Edna
