Halloween has come and passed, and it was certainly a weekend to remember. Unfortunately, many people don’t remember it, what with all of the … candy they ate.
Luckily, I was the designated driver and didn’t have any candy Friday or Saturday night. So I remember everything. Allow me to relay some of the best and worst costumes for those who didn’t go out or for those who were on a sugar high.
_Jackson Pollock Painting_: I was not really sure what to make of this costume. I mean, I guess some people find it creative, but to me it looked like just a bunch of splattered paint on a white t-shirt and pants. Not my cup of tea, but I’m sure a more enlightened art collector would pay $1 or $2 billion for that costume.
_Sexy Crayon_: Did you buy a child-sized crayon costume and then somehow pour yourself into it? When I think “Crayola,” I don’t really think “sexy.” But I guess you looked good — almost as hot as Burnt Sienna.
_Maroon 5_: Some guy just pinned a big “5” to his maroon pullover and wore maroon pants. I liked it. I was especially impressed that he owned maroon pants.
_Sexy Beanie Baby_: I’m sorry, but no matter how much skin you show, Tabasco the Bull will never be sexy to me.
_Frat Star_: This guy totally nailed his costume: Ralph Lauren Polo button-down, Chubbies (despite it being 40 degrees outside), Sperry’s, case of Natural Light … Second thought, I don’t know if this guy realized it was Halloween.
_Pineapple_: I seriously could not stop laughing at the girl who just dressed as a pineapple. That’s classic. This costume is beyond reproach.
_Twister Board_: Now I will admit, if you want physical contact, this is a great idea. Go buy a Twister board game, strap the spinner to your head, wear the mat as a shirt, lay on the ground and wait for the contestants. This particular Twister board kept trying to get girls to play on him, but the only people that were interested in competing were über-competitive, über-drunk guys. I don’t think he broke any bones, but the Twister board was definitely in bad shape afterwards.
_Pack of Sexy Cats_: I am just lumping all of the sexy cats I saw at these parties into one large group. Now some of you may be asking, “Ben, how do you know they were _sexy_ cats? Isn’t that a bit presumptuous?” To which I answer, “Normal cats don’t wear high heels.”
_Mexican_: This isn’t really a costume. It’s just you being your normal, racist self, but now you are wearing a sombrero. What? Oh, it’s not offensive because you are one-sixteenth Mexican? Sorry. I hope I didn’t offend your people by defending them against outdated stereotypes.
Whether good or bad, those were the most noteworthy costumes. Honorable mentions include Creepy Doll, Quailman from Doug, Bottom Half of a Horse and a Leaf.
But sadly, it is all over now. Halloween has passed, and it will be another year before wearing cat ears and bingeing on candy is socially acceptable.
