“Mortdecai,” Johnny Depp’s latest film, opens with Depp playing a goofy British art thief introducing himself to a trio of Asian mobsters to whom he owes a lot of money.
“My name is Charles Mortdecai, and _this_ is my mustache,” he asserts.
Depp then smiles wildly while the mobsters stare unimpressed at him, probably wondering how this conniving cartoonish caricature managed to steal so much money from them. By the end of the movie, I was wondering the exact same thing, wishing I had spent my $7.75 on nearly anything else than this massively unappealing catastrophe.
On the surface, it seems like a typical comedy. Depp travels the world with the government, acting as a double agent trying to trace a stolen work of art. Meanwhile, thieves chase them down trying to get the painting, and its bounty, for themselves. There’s double crossings, wacky situations, back-and-forth insults and a mystery waiting to be solved. But “Mortdecai” fails to impress on the most basic levels.
The biggest problem with “Mortdecai” is its protagonist, the mustached face plastered on every pop-up ad for the film. Mortdecai as a character is neither funny enough to cheer for nor suave enough to feel any sympathy toward. He is remarkably selfish, constantly harming and insulting those around him, like his poor bodyguard Jock Strap (a pun that would’ve been the funniest joke in the entire film if they had mentioned it earlier, but it was never mentioned until the credits) or his wife, played by an uninterested, give-me-my-paycheck Gwyneth Paltrow. Mortdecai shoots Jock twice during the movie and nearly cheats on his wife many times throughout his escapades. His antics fail to entertain, instead prompting frustration with our hero and his adventures.
In other spy comedies, like “Get Smart” or the “Austin Powers” trilogy, the protagonist is the core of the entire film, and he usually grows through his experience to become a better person at the end. Mortdecai doesn’t learn a damn thing, yet the audience is still supposed to laugh everytime he twiddles his mustache and blabbers on in a vaguely British accent that more closely resembles a blend of a constipated goat’s bleating and the whines of Frenchman with a lisp.
But don’t worry, if you’re one of the people who believes Depp can do no wrong, there’s plenty more to hate about “Mortdecai.”
Ahem:
– None of the other actors give a crap, especially an Eastern European stereotype working in Mortdecai’s garage who blandly announces “I’ve been shot,” then is shot again and says “I’ve been shot again,” and is dead on the floor the next scene.
– The CGI is so laughably cheap and sloppy that the explosions looked right out of “Sharknado.”
– The movie nearly lasts two hours, and I’m not ashamed to admit I nodded off for a few minutes in the middle.
– The scenes leave gaps to give the audience time to laugh but they were more like the awkward silence at Thanksgiving after a racist relative makes a joke about “those people.”
– The movie is rated R (solely for naughty language), but I can’t think of anyone over the age of 12 who would enjoy these lame jokes.
If I have to list positives, there was a scene with a Corgi puppy that made me smile. You don’t see many puppies in college and it made me feel good.
For those who don’t know, January is a magical month for movies. If the producers have faith in a movie, they will usually push to finish production in time for December and advertise a lot so it’ll make its money back. If the producers know the movie sucks, then they don’t want to compete with all the great movies in the holiday season and they put it off to January where the competition is less impressive and advertising is less expensive.
“Mortdecai” is the perfect January movie: low production costs, little advertising and no effort put into it. Do yourself a favor and go watch “American Sniper” again rather than see this mess.
_MOVE gives “Mortdecai” 1 out of 5 stars._
