Column: What no one reported at the State of the Union address

There was much more to the night than a simple speech.

On Jan. 28, 2014, Barack Obama fulfilled one of his most important duties as president of the United States of America: delivering the annual State of the Union address. By now, ABC, Fox, CNN and multitudes of other news sources have reported on Obama’s agenda for America. However, they all forwent reporting on the two lesser-represented stars of Tuesday evening. Today, I present to you the untold story of the 2014 State of the Union.

President Barack Obama began his speech by welcoming his “fellow Americans” as usual. He then shared several heart-warming anecdotes affirming the hard-working, dream-bound nature of the American people. It has been speculated that a brand-new pair of American flag-themed silk underwear spurred Obama’s great cheer as he shared his plans for the year.

Unfortunately for Speaker of the House John Boehner, he downloaded and began playing the popular yet infuriating iPhone app “Flappy Bird,” resulting in a rather downcast mood for the entirety of the night. The facial expressions that he presented have also incited an investigation as to whether or not Boehner could be the biological father of the Internet famous Tardar “Grumpy Cat” Sauce.

The shining moment of the night came when Obama discussed his hopes to adjust the minimum wage. Our president connected with millions of Americans on the most personal level with a beautiful pun: “John [Soranno]’s an owner of Punch Pizza in Minneapolis, and Nick [Chute] helps make the dough. [Pause for laughter].” As well as tickling the funny bones of millions, Obama shared his support of a higher minimum wage in order to provide more economic equality and lessen the gender wage gap, to which Boehner whined, “BUT I LIKE MY MONEY,” accompanied by none other than his static pout.

The night came to an end when Vice President Joe Biden rode away into the sunset atop a gilded pony, blue eyes shining and hair blowing in the wind as he handed out a variety of colorful French macarons to all passersby. Unfortunately, Biden was later transported to a Washington, D.C., hospital after suffering a severe cheek injury due to smiling so much.

As for Boehner, he returned home, where he spent the rest of his night viewing original Lifetime movies with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked ice cream. I might disagree with his policies, but the man has great taste in ice cream.

In other news, after receiving massive applause and support Tuesday, Army Ranger Cory Remsburg was unanimously nominated to run for president in 2016. So far he is polling at 127 percent, and as of now, he is projected to win the election by a landslide.

Disclaimer: It is likely that the bulk of events mentioned in this story did not actually occur (except for the pun; that definitely happened). It is simply a humorous commentary on how I perceived the behaviors of our nation’s leaders while presenting the SOTU address. Clearly more important topics were covered during the speech than the facial expressions of the vice president and speaker of the House. For more information on what the State of the Union actually consisted of, don’t hesitate to consult your local Google search bar and learn as much as you can about our nation’s leaders; it matters. As Obama himself would say, God Bless America.

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